Woe is work, woe is blogging, woe is me

Hey, thanks for stopping by! Doesn’t my post title sound so welcoming and happy? Makes you want to dig right in and read, huh?

Let’s take it from the top, shall we?

Work. Hey, I’m working, and that’s a good thing. I’ve been with my company for over 13 years and have done lots of different things. I enjoy a livable wage, excellent benefits and an extremely flexible (and mostly autonomous) working environment. Those things are precious to me! So why am I woeing about it? Well, I made the mistake of checking my work email on Saturday. My boss had sent out something to me and a few other people regarding a topic that he hadn’t had a chance to weigh in on the day before. In the email, I felt quite chastised, somewhat unfairly so. He also left a certain decision up to a coworker of mine, one who is nearly 20 years younger than me, and who I helped train when she was hired three years ago. I’m the oldest person on my team – a lot older than some and only a few years older than others, and mostly I’m OK with that. What I’m not OK with is being seen as the weakest member of the team, and that’s how I felt. I’m not ambitious at this point in my career – my out-of-work life takes a lot of my energy and time, and I’m happy to do my work for 40-45 hours a week, but that’s it. I need my non-work time for, non-work! But I feel odd about being surpassed. I like and respect this particular coworker a lot. She’s also young and single with plenty of time and energy to dive into work….sorta where I was at her age. If I still felt as valued as before I might not mind so much. But I don’t feel as valued and I do mind. And I don’t know what to do about it.

Blogging. I still read all your blogs (and more!), but I haven’t been blogging much myself. It’s not that I don’t have things going on that I could write about (whale watching! new dogs! new roof!) but I feel less…….inspired. Facebook has been meeting my need to chronicle and connect with much less actual effort on my part. Let’s be honest – the fun part of blogging is reading comments, and when people don’t comment it’s more like writing a private journal, which doesn’t really need to be done in public. So I’m not sure how much longer I’ll keep this. Or maybe I’ll start a new one. I don’t know yet. How have you all handled lulls in your blogging muscle?

Me. Well, believe it or not,, aside from what I said above, I don’t feel all that woeful! Life is pretty OK right now, and while I’m not happy that fall and winter are here/on their way, things are good. We have some exciting things to look forward to as a family in the next few weeks and months.

How are things with you?

Just a quick, stress-filled update

We booked a family vacation, with another family, a year and a half ago. Ever since it’s seemed so far away that it would never arrive. Now that we are 3 days away from leaving, there is suddenly not enough time left to deal with everything that needs dealing.

Belle’s lice situation is not under control, as I had hoped. On Sunday I pulled 10-15 live ones out of her and am starting to freak out. I called the doctor to ask for a prescription treatment, since the OTC one obviously did not do anything. They did give me one, after much begging on my part, but I must say they were way too nonchalant about it all for my taste. It would be one thing if we were going to be home, but I am not dealing with this on my vacation!

Things at work have taken a sudden and dramatic turn for the well, dramatic. Call it Murphy’s Law if you will, but many of my projects are in crisis and need my full attention. Which is so nice since I’m blogging about it during working hours. Like how I do that? I need some sort of release, or at least that’s the story I’m telling.

I have to find time to mow the lawn, do laundry, get to the bank, pack (!), get the dog to the sitter and all the other little things that need to be done before you go away. Newspaper and mail have already been stopped. Our flight leaves very early Friday morning, so I am oh-so-quickly running out of time!

I swear, if the lice would disappear I think I’d feel a lot more in control….

A House by another name….

Let’s see, in my adult life I’ve rented an apartment, owned a house and owned a condo. I’ve even done some of those things more than once, though always just one at a time. I’m no real estate tycoon!

When my ex and I divorced, and I was moving out and away with Krystal, I gave serious thought to buying a condo versus a house due to not having to worry about outside maintenance. But a friend talked me into giving my child a yard and a neighborhood, and in the end I agreed. I bought the house we live in now in September 2005, which just incidentally coincides with the absolute peak of the real estate market in my area. Lucky me.

It’s becoming clear to me that I am not cut out to own a house. Parenting two kids, working full time (and a dog!) are taking up all my time and energy. Finding time to mow the lawn, worry about a new roof (which it seems clear I now need), painting, siding, yard work and all the worries that go along with home ownership are pushing me closer and closer to the edge.

OK, so here’s where it gets dicey. Major brain spillage ahead:

I want to move to a warmer climate (Florida, or if I can get a relocation package through work, I’ll take North Carolina). I do not have a timeline for this, but due to external factors, we are probably looking at 3-4 years. Unless I get laid off, in which case that may accelerate things – after all, if I have to look for a job anyway, I may as well look where I want to live. Right?

Alternatively, I don’t want to have to live through another New England winter! And certainly not in a place where I have to worry about shoveling/plowing my driveway.

My roof likely needs replacing. There is a spot on my bedroom ceiling and the whole thing looks pretty ugly from the outside. In today’s buyers’ market, I’m sure I’d have to replace it before anyone would buy my place.

I need to do some landscaping in the front of my house. The mulch around my foundation plantings gets splattered up onto the ground level windows every time it rains and makes the house look dirty and dingy. I need to put down rocks instead, but man that sounds like a lot of work. Just thinking about it makes me tired.

My “lawn” is just green stuff that needs to be mowed. I’m not sure how much of it is actually grass. Lots of clover and other stuff. But it does look pretty good for 24-48 hours after I mow it. I sometimes think I should invest in some sort of lawn service to increase my “curb appeal”, but the thought and money involved don’t appeal to me terribly much.

Are you wondering yet why I bothered to buy a house at all?

Oh, and because, as I stated earlier, I bought my house when prices were at their highest, I’d be lucky to sell my house for little more than what I owe on it, provided I actually sold now. Which is one of the drivers to waiting a few years before the move south. But that’s so logical.

As is my way, I’ve done a lot of browsing online. I’ve found some condos in our area that sound appealing, and I’ve even driven by a few of them to see how they “really” look (pictures in a real estate ad can be so deceiving!). The girls have started asking, “Are we moving?” and the answer is not so easy. Probably not, at least not now, as much as I’d like to. And by “like to”, I mean to already be in a new place. The thought of actually packing and moving makes me want to claw my eyes out.

Oh, and if I act now (before September – so not happening) and move to a place with full day Kindergarten (which is not available in our state, but we are very close to a state where they do offer it, and which I’ve considered), I could save myself a year of private Kindergarten tuition for Belle, which amounts to no small sum.

Do I sound totally flighty yet?

And yet, I don’t want to move the kids twice. I can’t imagine, knowingly and purposely, moving now (unless we stayed in the same school district), and then completely relocating in 3-4 years. Plus, moving for a short time period like that would eat up closing and moving costs, making it financially inadvisable. There I go, getting all logical again.

I just want something to be easy.

Finding my Funny

I love to read funny stuff. I love to laugh, whether with friends, with a movie, a book or a blog. And I think I’m pretty funny, though usually in a dry or sarcastic way. Subtle even. (Is there some missive along the lines of “If you have to tell people you’re funny then you aren’t?” If not, there should be!)

But it occurs to me that most readers of this blog probably don’t see the funny side of me. My blog tends to be a place of introspection. And while I often am in “telling a story” mode, and sometimes inject a funny (to me) thought or two, my sense of humor doesn’t really come out here.

I am wondering why that is?

At work we use an instant message application quite frequently. On any given day I have 4-14 chat windows going with various co-workers. The conversations in them range from stricly utilitarian asking and answering simple (or complex) questions, to “water cooler” type conversations about a TV show, the weather, the latest kid antics, work politics, etc. In these I am definitely very funny! Just ask my co-workers! Why am I funny there, and not here? I think it’s because of the more conversational nature of chat, versus the one-way experience I have here. I’m not a “popular” blog, and even though I know I have more readers than a casual reader just stopping by might guess based on the number of comments I get, it’s still mostly me just typing into the ether. I think I need the banter. Someone says something that sends my mind in a direction and it brings out my dry wit (she says so modestly). I can’t seem to play off myself in the same way.

I wonder if there is a place to learn to do that? I’d like to find my funny here on my blog.

Thursday Thunks

1. Do you tend to have a guilty conscious? Oh yeah. Sometimes I say my middle name should be guilt. I can manage to feel guilty even about things that can’t possibly be my fault. Like when a cop car drives down my street – are they coming for me? Even though I’ve done nothing wrong….

2. Do you still have your wisdom teeth? Nope, they came out just before I got braces. Impacted too, so I had to have actual surgery (in the hospital!) to have them out.

3. Peanut Butter – creamy or crunchy? Creamy, baby, all the way!

4. Get up off your butt. Take 5 steps. Which leg did you start out on? I just tried this 3 different times, and it was the left, two out of three. I’m guessing this is because of my military background (Left, Left, Left-Right-Left). But who knows.

5. What color is your favorite kitchen utensil? Do I have a favorite kitchen utensil? I guess it would be my chef’s knife, which has a black handle and a typically silver knife blade.

6. Did you watch the Michael Jackson memorial/funeral? No, I was working. It’s not quite that I wasn’t interested, but I have a strong aversion to feeding the media frenzy surrounding it all.

7. Do you know anyone who graduated from high school this year? No, not this year, but I do know several who will graduate next year.
Were you invited to their graduation party? Did you go? N/A

8. White with black stripes or black with white stripes? I believe a zebra is black with white stripes. But other than that I have no idea what you mean.

9. If we were to call your 6th grade teacher, what would they say about you? I’m sure most of my former teachers would describe me as your typical goody two shoes kid who was smart as a whip and that they expected I would do more with my life.

10. Can you draw a perfect circle? Perfect? No, but why would I need to?

11. What was your favorite scratch & sniff sticker scent? Gee, I must confess I have never given this a whiff of a thought.

12. What does your sibling do for a living? I have no living siblings. My sister worked at Burger King (she called it the BK Lounge) when she was in high school.

13. How many light switches and electrical outlets are in the room that you are in right now? And this is interesting why? One light switch and 6 electrical outlets. I think. I might have missed one behind a piece of furniture.

14. Do you know sign language? Only a few signs, like more, cat, socks, butterfly, thank you, you’re welcome.

15. Do you step on cracks in the sidewalk? Yes, if that’s the way my stride goes. I don’t go out of my way to step, or not step, on them.

16. And the sheets on your bed look like….? They are light blue (the ones on there now anyway), and are wrinkled. That’s all.

17. What is something that everyone else has, but you don’t? Patience. Time. Freedom.

Reading Rediscovered

In my pre-parenting days I was an avid reader. Mostly popular fiction, but I liked to think I was more literary than say,  my mother, who seems to read a lot of what I call romance novels. My favorite authors include Jodi Picoult, Wally Lamb, Pat Conroy, Elizabeth Berg, Barbara Kingsolver, John Irving, John Grisham, Nelson DeMille and many more I’m not going to hunt down right now. I visited my local library frequently, putting books on hold, picking up new ones, returning read ones, and the librarians knew me by name and sight. I didn’t have much of a social life, but I could always entertain myself.

Now that I’m a parent I read to my kids constantly, of course. As they get older we get to explore chapter books that I actually take some enjoyment from as well. We’ve read Charlotte’s Web, Black Beauty and Misty of Chincoteague, which I read as a child. But we’ve also read books written since that I’ve enjoyed as much or more than they have such as Frindle and Holes. Right now we’re reading Three Cups of Tea, based on a true story.

Since becoming a mom, my own entertainment has drifted towards television. What with investing in Tivo, and later transferrring to Comcast’s DVR service, I’ve become even more TV obsessed. Last year’s writers’ strike had me joining Netflix, and I got to see a lot of series I’d missed the first time around (Six Feet Under and Arrested Development being highlights).

When my favorite shows had their season finale’s in May, I had nothing to watch. A lot of nights I’ll put NESN on and catch the Red Sox game while I sit with my laptop on my, well, lap, but even that gets old.

Then I learned that one of my favorite authors, Elizabeth Berg, had a new book out. I requested it from the library. It came in, and I read it. A friend on Facebook posted about looking for book recommendations, and I wrote down all the books people suggested and looked them up. A lot of them sounded good to me (and some were by authors I love that since I haven’t read for pleasure in so long I hadn’t known about!). When I returned the first book I took out a few more. I am now 2/3 through The Hour I First Believed, by Wally Lamb and am really enjoying it. I missed reading. I’m glad to be doing it again.

Who knows, maybe I’ll even cancel the DVR service?

Nah, let’s not get drastic.

Swine Flu

Swine flu – heard of it?

I have it.

I have a post in my head about it all, but my energy level is so low this is all I can manage. The doctor says 7-10 days before I feel human again.

Hopefully be back sooner rather than later.

Fatherless Children

In my home we are all fatherless children.

My own father died on June 13, 1997, the Friday before Father’s Day. Yes, on Friday the 13th. But honestly it felt more like Thursday because we’d been with him all day and it was around 1 am that he died. That Sunday, Father’s Day, was really tough. I remember watching the teenage girl next door being picked up for the day by her playboy father and wanting to send her a message to appreciate him while she can – you never know when he might be gone.

Krystal has a birth father, of course, but we do not know who he is. She considers my ex her father, but he is not. Not legally. Since he does not live nearby he is not part of our regular life, and his contact over the past year in particular has been spotty. When he does visit he’s fully “here”, but he doesn’t call for long stretches and just when I think maybe he’s fading away, the phone will ring. Or he’ll have a birthday (2 weeks ago) and I’ll give in and let Krystal call him, which is something I do not encourage.

Belle has an unknown birth father too, but also a foster father who raised her until I adopted her at just over 2 years old. We have pictures of him and she has some memory of him, most of which are probably kept alive because of those pictures. I also have email contact with her foster family, which has petered out quite a bit after a flurry in the beginning, and some weirdness in the middle. The nugget that is relevant here is that about two years ago I got an email from the adult daughter that the father had cancer, and this past February she sent an email that he had died in January. I have not told Belle this.

At school this time of year there is always a Father’s Day project for the kids to work on. Belle’s school is very familar with our family make-up, and last year the Father’s Day gift she made was for me. She has also made things for Krystal whenever they make parent gifts – one for me, and one for her, when other kids are making one for each parent. Yesterday she came home with a wrapped gift, and since it is wrapped in tissue paper I can see through it. It is a bookmark (she told me that) with “#1 Dad” on it. I asked her who she wanted to give it to. I fully expected her to say my ex – he is visiting this weekend and Belle calls him “Daddy”, which I think she thinks is his name, even though she understands that he is not her dad. But she said she wanted to give it to Baba, and would I put it in a package and send it to China?

I said I would.

What I think I will really do is put it away.

What I don’t know what, or when, to do is tell her that Baba has died. Is this something I should have done when I learned of it? Or given the unlikelihood of seeing her foster family again is it better for her to maintain happy memories? Although I can’t imagine keeping this from her until she’s an adult, and what will happen when she finds out I’ve known for so long? I think I have my answer – I need to tell her soon.

And what I feel a teensy bit jealous about is that even though I am doing the job of mom and dad in raising my kids, someone else is getting the attention on Father’s Day. Despite the fact we are all fatherless children.

** Cue the harps and violins  – I know I am whining about nothing! Really! But I’m thinking about it so here it is.

Getting back to it is tough!

So you take a week off and suddenly getting back to blogging is serious work. And by “you”, of course I mean “me”.

I just came back from my first vacation without the kids, and it was awesome! If I have anything to say about it, it will not be the last! I flew out of town Saturday noon-time, and even just waiting for my plane to take off was a vacation. Especially since there were several families with young children in the waiting area who were dealing with loud and/or wiggly kids, and I could enjoy watching it rather than dealing with it. I also got to witness a clueless dad lie to his wife about why he wasn’t properly supervising their 2-ish year old son while she took their daughter to the bathroom, and got quite a chuckle (to myself) over that!

The friend I was traveling with arrived before me – we had a sushi dinner Saturday night, on Disney property, that I dare say was one of the best meals I have ever had in my life.

Other highlights: parasailing! This was fantastic and I wanted to do it again even before I did it once.

My friend was petrified and insisted we go together, (I’m in front, she is behind me) but once we were up she said she wasn’t afraid and also wanted to do it again!

The adult beach was divine:

(those are my toes)

To summarize, it was a great trip, and my friend and I are hoping to make it an annual/annual-and-a-half tradition. This was part of a group, and the next scheduled trip is December 2010, so I’m already scoping out options for child care then. My kids definitely missed me, but my mother barely survived. I’m not sure I can ask it of her again!

P.S. If you are my Facebook friend and would like to see more pictures, please let me know!

Sailing Away

I had intended to do a full post explaining my trip, but I plum ran out of time, so you’ll have to wait till I get back.

Bottom line is, I’m off for a kid-free vacation. My mom is at the house watching the kids and the dog, and I’m very much looking forward to a few days of no responsibilities for anyone but myself. I start out tomorrow with a 3 hour flight, and I am unreasonably excited about sitting still for that long, with time to read, or listen to music, or simply do nothing at all. Ahhhhh.

Once I land, my dear friend will pick me up and we are off!

I’ll be completely off the grid while I’m away, but want to wish all my mom readers a very Happy Mother’s Day! Take care of yourselves and I’ll check in next week.