Survival Parenting

I try to be a good parent. I think we all do. I want what’s best for my kids, and that means taking care of them physically – making sure they have clean clothes and healthy food, and emotionally – encouraging them to do their best and comforting them when things don’t quite go their way.

Then there are the times when it all goes out the window, and you go into survival parenting mode. When the only parenting goal you really have is to make sure your kids stay alive. That happens when Mom gets sick. This is when I wish there was someone else to lean on.

Since Saturday afternoon when I first started feeling symptoms, I’ve been really only able to take care of myself. I spent most of Sunday in bed. It was raining and there was nothing for the kids to do. They watched TV all day. They asked for popcorn while they watched a movie, and that was their lunch. For dinner I did manage to drag myself up to make some tortellini before crashing again. Anything they wanted for a snack I said yes to.

Krystal has assigned herself as my nurse. She has been urging me to call the doctor since Sunday (I finally did on Tuesday). She made peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for Belle and herself for Monday night’s dinner as I just couldn’t do it. Tuesday morning she got up and went downstairs before coming to see me and brought me a glass of cold water and the thermometer. She said, “Which medicine do you take? I only saw the Tylenol PM, I didn’t see Tylenol AM.” And I laughed and she didn’t know why.

Krystal also made lunches for she and Belle to take to camp on Tuesday. She said she liked playing mom, but she could see how much work it was.  I whimpered during the whole 10 minute drive to camp. Everything hurt and it wasn’t getting any better.

The doctor said it’s H1N1, as I’ve already relayed, and that I should expect to be out of commission for 7-10 days. Today is Day 5, and I’m happy to say that I’m seeing light. As I told the girls this morning, I feel better, but not better. Right now my goal is to make sure the kids don’t get it. The doctor suggested wiping down all doorknobs in the house, encouraging frequent hand washing, and keeping food preparation to a minimum. When I told the girls all this Krystal groaned, “I’m tired of playing the mom! It’s too much work!” Of course, Krystal is in survival parenting mode too, since that’s pretty much all an 8 year old has up her sleeve in that department.

I think I’ll take us all out to dinner when this thing finally blows over. We’ll all be ready for it by then.

The Mom Quiz

What kind of mom are you? Take this quiz and find out:

This didn’t surprise me one bit!

This summer both girls will be attending the YMCA camp that Krystal has gone to the past two summers. Belle is finally old enough to attend, and I’m thrilled because 1) It’s a lot cheaper than the day care she attends now (even though she will be back there for Kindergarten in September), and 2) it means one place for me to drop off and pick up kids each day. That alone is going to add about an hour to my workday, which is a good thing!

But Belle going to camp means she needs certain things that Krystal already has. She needs a backpack big enough to carry her stuff around in all day (bathing suit, towel, sunscreen, lunch, water bottle, etc…), a lunch box, and a water bottle, just to name a few. Krystal has been getting her nose majorly bent out of shape at the new items Belle gets to pick out. So, in the store, I pulled Krystal aside to remind her of the times when she got these things and Belle got nothing, and that it is now Belle’s turn. Not surprisingly, this did not help her see the light. However, it did make me feel I’d done what I had to do, and the rest was up to her. Buying Krystal a new lunch box when her old one is perfectly good did not seem a reasonable solution to me.

So yeah, if that makes me strict, I’m OK with that.

If you would have handled it differently, I’d love to hear your ideas. And please share your quiz results if you take it!

Twisted Sisters

I had very much a “love-hate” relationship with my sister, who was 3 years younger. Mostly, I loved to hate her and could be pretty awful to her. I was smarter (book-wise anyway), stronger and older. I could be emotionally manipulative and cruel. I clearly remember one time saying (or possibly just thinking), that I hated her so much I wish I could kill her with a knife (I was around 8 or 9).

Of course as an adult, I can recognize that I was most likely just angry about something, or jealous of some attention she was getting. I didn’t really wish her dead, or wish to cause it myself. Really! It wasn’t till we hit our teens that we melded. I learned that we were more alike than different, and that she was actually a pretty cool kid. Which hurt all the more when she was taken, via cancer, at age 17. I miss my sister, both the person that she was, and would be, as well as the “idea” of a sister. A built-in friend who has known you forever.

In college, less than a year after my sister died, a good friend was baking her sister cookies to send to her for her birthday. A couple of us were hanging out while she baked and I’m sure we all helped a little. We were laughing and talking and enjoying each other’s company. Then she boxed up those freshly baked cookies and started writing her sister’s name and address on the box. I clearly remember watching her with that Sharpie and having the realization that I would never be able to bake cookies for my sister. I got up and left, without a word to my friends, in tears. The grief was overwhelming, and I tear up now, some 26 years later, thinking about it.

In deciding to become a parent to two children, a huge motivator for me was to provide my kids (who are both girls) with a sister. I know, first hand, how awful sisters can be to each other. I also know that not all sisters become friends as adults. But I wanted to give them that chance.

Krystal and Belle became sisters almost three years ago, when Krystal was 5 and Belle was 2. They had very different lives before that time, and we all went through a big transition that first year. My two daughters have very different personalities, and of course because of their ages, they are at different developmental stages. They are very different, but they are very much like my sister and me.

Krystal can be manipulative and cruel. She’s a lot like I was to my sister at that age. She thinks of herself as a second mother at times, and I’ve cringed hearing my words coming out of her mouth more than once.

Belle is an instigator. She is a much stronger personality than my sister was. She knows how to push Krystal’s buttons, and pushes with alacrity. Krystal has not yet learned the art of ignoring. I tell her all the time that when she reacts, she gives Belle the satisfaction of knowing she got to her. Someday…

Last night during the bedtime routine I was in one bathroom doing my thing, telling the girls who kept shadowing me to: go brush your teeth, brush your hair, put on your PJ’s, pick out your book, leave the dog alone. It was a revolving door with one kid passing the other to and from where I was and having to give explicit directions to do the things we do every single night.

At one point they were both off doing what they were supposed to do, presumably, and I was alone. Ah, bliss. For a minute, until Belle came in.

Belle: Mom, Krystal is hogging the sink and I can’t brush my teeth!

Me:  Hmmmmm (trying not to engage)

Belle [running back to the bathroom]: Krystal, Mom says “Hmmmm!” That means you need to let me brush!

Or something else that happens quite frequently is that Krystal will find me to say that Belle has done something naughty. Perhaps she’s pulled the dog’s tail, scribbled on her homework, broken something, gotten into a forbidden item, or just been annoying to Krystal in some way. She will end her tattling session with “Mom, you need to talk to her.”

Managing the relationship between my girls is the second most stressful part of parenting them (the first is another post altogether – more news next week). It is also something I did not adequately prepare for. I thought parenting two children would be difficult logistically – getting two kids ready for school in the morning, finding activities that we all enjoy, etc). While there are challenges in that area, especially as the only adult in the home, I have found them to be mostly workable (no small thanks to a flexible work situation). It’s their relationship that requires constant management.

My kids are still young, and they are different. But I still think I did the right thing in giving them each other. Time will tell.

Big Sister, Little Sister

This is something I wrote on June 26, 2006, just three weeks after adopting Belle. It’s one of my favorite pieces, and given that Belle is now the same age Krystal was when I wrote it, I thought I’d revisit it. This was originally posted on the blog I kept for family members during the adoption trip itself, so this is it’s first “public” appearance. Maybe I’ll do a follow-up on how things have changed since then in a few days. Or maybe not. Either way, here you go!

Sometimes you get a glimmer of something extra in a person you thought you knew as well as you know yourself.

I always saw my daughter Krystal as a little girl. When I imagined a sibling in our family, I still saw her as the youngest sister. Our friends nearly all have kids her age or older, and she just seemed to fit as the youngest child. Of course, with adoption you can arrange so your youngest child stays that way, but I didn’t want to do this. I wanted to adopt a younger child, for many reasons, hardly any of which had anything to do with Krystal.

Adding Belle to our family has been, is, and will continue to be a transition for all of us, probably for awhile. Belle is a gift all on her own, but the added dimension she has brought out in her older sister is a gift for me too. By no means do I intend to say Krystal is having an easy time being the big sister. In fact, she is probably having the toughest time of the three of us adjusting to all the changes. But because of her new role in our family I am seeing things in Krystal I didn’t know were there. Within hours of meeting Belle she was making her laugh, and she continues to take on this job with relish. If Belle is cranky, Krystal will take it upon herself to do something to snap her out of it. She is generous, offering up the first turn on the swing. She has happily passed on toys, and enjoys playing Mama with her when I need a few minutes to get something done.

Of course, Krystal has also said she wishes it were just she and me again, that she’s not sure she likes having a sister after all. I’ve said I understand her feeling, and that she’s allowed to feel that way. But Belle is a part of our family now forever, just like she is. When I baby Belle, Krystal wants to be babied too. She has said she wishes she were little like Belle again. And then I remind her of all she can do that Belle can’t, and she turns content to be herself again.

Suddenly, my little five year old seems like a big five year old. Maybe I appreciate all she can do for herself now that I have someone younger and smaller who needs my help with so many things. Maybe she was a big kid all along, and it was me who needed a little kid to be able to see it. But maybe shedding some of the little kid stuff has allowed that new, green, raw big kid stuff to show through. Though my patience is being tested in new ways everyday right now, my heart is overflowing with love for my two girls – Krystal who I have known and loved for over four years and who I get to see new things in, and Belle who I have only just met but who peels away a new piece of herself everyday, showing me the beauty within. What a ride.

If You Only Knew….

Amber, over at Mommy Mania, has given me an award!

I’m truly thrilled to get it, but as with so much in life, I feel like an impostor in accepting it. But, like so much else in life, I’ll take it when I can get it! If you only knew!

So, here’s what you do:

1. Admit that ONE thing you feel awful about involving being a mom. Get it off your shoulders. Once you’ve written it down, you are NO LONGER allowed to feel bad. It’s over with, it’s in the past. Remember, you’re a good mom!
2. To remind yourself that you ARE a good mom, list SEVEN things you love about your kids, you love doing with your kids, or that your kids love about you. These are the things to remind yourself of EVERY DAY that you rock!
3. Send this to FIVE other Moms of the Year that deserve forgiveness and a reminder that they, too, are the best moms they can be!!! Remember to send them a note to let them know you’ve selected them, and add a link to the person who nominated you!

Here are my answers:

1. I HATE that I feel angry so much of the time (I have a post half-written on this). My kids are, generally, sweet, kind, funny, lovely people. Yet they push my buttons and my patience is often in such short supply. I dread the thought that the memories they will have of me are being tainted. And it’s all my own fault.
2. Seven things? I’m not sure I can think of seven things! OK, 1) My kids often say I am “the best mom ever”, usually in response to my saying yes to a request, but hey, I’ll take it. 2) Belle in particular loves to tell me she loves me. Often. (16 times a day? A minute?) 3) The kids love to make things with me: dinner, cookies, most anything. 4) When I announce an outing I am the star of the day. 5) My kids have a fantastic sense of humor. 6) My kids love books, love learning and love to ask questions. 7)Krystal in particular is a thoughtful friend. I think I am raising them with good values, but the proof is in the pudding, and this particular pudding takes a long time to set.
3. I’ll mention 5 moms I happen to read, but they’ll have to stumble upon themselves here. Janet, Starstruk (her kids are grown, but you never stop being a mom), Marcia, Snickollet and Jen.

Random Weekend Thoughts

I’m not feeling up to a coherent post, but have a bunch of thoughts running through my head:

• We watched Akeelah and the Bee today – what a great movie! I clapped in glee several times, and was reduced to tears several more. I had to stop it a few times to explain some of the subtler points to Krystal, but we all enjoyed it very much. If you have not seen it yet I highly recommend it!

• Krystal has been complaining vaguely of a sore throat for several weeks. Because she has not otherwise seemed ill, I’ve mostly brushed it off. On Thursday she complained more vociferously than usual about not feeling well (this is a frequent morning tactic, but she always forgets/feels better once she’s started to do something). I told her to go to school, but if she still felt bad she could go to the nurse who would call me. Well, about 11:00 the nurse called. She didn’t have a fever, but was not feeling well. I took her home, where she got a burst of energy, and even admitted she wished she were still at school. Until bedtime rolled around and she had a slight fever. And then the next morning when it was a high fever. Mama called the doctor and the doctor said (no, there was no jumping on beds) — her throat looked quite “injected” even though the rapid strep test came back negative. But based on the visual evidence and the weeks long complaint, Krystal is now on Amoxocillin twice a day for 10 days, which is a whole post in and of itself. Maybe tomorrow.

• As I’ve mentioned before, I used to own a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel (mutt) and have never gotten over my lust for another. After we got Tessie I applied to a Cavalier Rescue group, and I check their site frequently for dogs that we might want to adopt. Many of the dogs that appear on the site specifically say they should go to an adult only home, or one with kids over age 8 or 10, or 12. But on Thursday I spotted one with none of those specifications, who sounds delightful in nearly every way. I’m trying to decide whether to call and ask about him, or if I’m a glutton for punishment with adding a second dog to my already-out-of-control life.

• I went out, without my kids, on Friday night! Wahoo! And left my child, who had been home sick that day, in the care of our teenage sitter. And Krystal called me from bed, unbeknown to the sitter, to ask me to come home. Major guilt.

• It was -13 when I got up yesterday morning. Brrrr is hardly the word for it.

• We are supposed to get 5-10 inches of new snow tomorrow. I am so depressed about that I can hardly stand it.

• My girls’ birthday party is next Saturday. I have no idea how I’m going to get everything done I need to get done before then.

• I’m starting to really worry, in ways I haven’t yet before, about the future of my job.

OK, that is all for now – off to enjoy a glass of wine and catch up on some TV.

I just realized the girls’ party isn’t for two weeks, so I both have longer to get everything done, and longer to worry about it. Hey, I’ll take it!

Just Say No to Goody Bags

OK, so Krystal’s birthday is in less than two weeks, and Belle’s is a scant month away. This year I am throwing them a joint birthday party at one of the party centers nearby – I can justify the cost since it’s for both of them, otherwise I would never spend that kind of money on a birthday party. Last year I thought I was having a budget party for Krystal at our local movie theater that doubles as a restaurant, but once it was all said and done it ended up costing me a pretty penny. Belle’s was at McDonald’s last year, which is the best deal in town, but that is way too young for Krystal and her friends.

We’re distributing invitations this week, and I’m making my list of what I need to still buy for the party: cake or cupcakes, maybe little hoodsies (individual ice cream cups, in case that is a New England term), juice or water (for the parents too)….and goody bags? I am opposed to goody bags on principle. When my kids get them at parties they attend I end up throwing them away – they’re junk. Sure, it’s fun to get, but after the thrill of getting, there’s nothing left. And I’m even more opposed to giving them, because that means I have to spend money on someone else’s kid whose mom will probably end up tossing it. Did this tradition start so the guests wouldn’t feel bad about not getting a gift (even though they’ll get a turn on their own birthday)?

So I’m seriously considering not doing goody bags at all.

Will I be hailed as a pioneer or villified for my cheapness?

Kid Stuff, Parenting Stuff

For Halloween my step-mother sent both my girls a card with five $1 bills in it. They each got their own envelope, addressed to them, with a separate hand-written note to them. Of course they both loved this, and the real genius was that they each got to open their own.

I’m a big believer in thank-you notes. I was raised to write thank-you notes. Period. And I’ve passed this on to my girls. If someone took the time and effort to send you a gift, it’s the least you can do to acknowledge their thoughtfulness. Krystal is old enough now to write her own notes, but even when she was very young I’d have her scribble in a note I had written.

I’m not proud of it, but the cards and money sat on the counter day after day, and we never got around to writing Grammy her thank- you notes (because I never made it a priority). So last night we called her and the girls got on the phone, one after the other, to thank her for the card and money. [For the record: I do not think calls and notes are equivalent, but given how much time had passed, I felt it was better to do something. With Christmas and winter birthdays coming up we'll have ample opportunity to get back to note-writing.] When it was my turn to talk I fell over myself apologizing for the lateness of our thank you and she said, “Well, I haven’t heard from any of the others, so you’re the first.” And I was perversely pleased, and then appalled at this. (my step-sisters have kids or grandkids around the same age as mine)

She and I spent probably twenty more minutes catching up, which of course caused my girls to go into a tailspin. I don’t know what it is about kids and phones, but once I am on the phone they suddenly ratchet up their activity level and need for my attention. Any parents reading this surely know exactly what I’m talking about! So during this time I was having to take mini-breaks from the call to deal with the girls: mediate a disagreement, admonish them on the appropriateness of a television show they were trying to sneak in since they knew I was distracted, and constantly reminding them to respect me and the other person on the phone by staying QUIET. Maddening! But my step-mother said something to me that still has me feeling good the next day. She said she was really impressed with how I was raising them with how closely I screened their TV shows and encouraged their polite habits. And even though I can think of hundreds of ways I feel I fall short in this parenting thing, it truly made my day to hear someone say that to me.

So, what about you – has anyone said anything to you recently that made you feel good, even a day or two later?

Who’s Cooking This Year?

Holidays of my childhood were always spent at my grandmother’s. All my cousins were there and we always had the full spread: turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, turnip, rolls, green beans, cranberry relish and pies of multiple denominations. As far as I know, my grandmother did all the work. Although it’s certainly possible my aunts and my mother helped. Certainly not my father or uncles, because cooking is woman’s work. <ahem>

My grandmother has been gone for 12 years, and was in no position to host a meal for at least 10 years before that. And we cousins grew up and were off with friends, or spouse’s families, or working or just not available consistently.

So now that I’m an adult, and a parent at that, I’m stuck with figuring out how to handle this tradition known as holiday cooking!

As with make-up and shoes, I seem to have missed the gene that controls creativity surrounding holiday meals. My poor children. I hate to see the amount of money, preparation, cooking and clean-up time and effort that goes into a meal that takes 15 minutes to eat. Sure, I know it’s not all about the food. It’s as much, or more, really, about creating and passing down a tradition, spending time with those you love and basking in the glow of the holiday. Except why is it that the women get stuck in that glow while the men get to watch football or drink beers on the porch? Not that I want to drink beers on the porch, but I think you get my point. And if it’s different in your family, hallelujah!

My step-sister is hosting Thanksgiving this year. We haven’t formally RSVP’d yet, but we may have to, just so I can bring a side dish or dessert and be done with it. And my children can bask in the love of our extended family, including cousins their age, which will be much more enjoyable and memorable for them than watching me stress out at home trying to put on a huge meal for just the three of us, which sounds pretty darn sad to me.

This post was written for Parent Bloggers Network as part of a sweepstakes sponsored by Butterball.

Who’s Training Who?

Today marks the one week anniversary with our new puppy, Tessie.

Have I mentioned how utterly adorable she is? And how sweet? Well she is both, in spades. We just love her.

Our biggest challenges right now are:

• House training
• Chewing
• House training
• Chewing
• House training

And did I mention house training?

I am working from home for two weeks to facilitate the house training. I can already tell that is way too long for me, and way too short for her. I am starting to feel a little cabin fever-ish with being home all the time! Next week I have a conference to attend for work one morning, so I will be gone for half the day then….should be interesting.

At 10.5 weeks old now, the books say Tessie should be able to go roughly 2-2.5 hours between pee breaks. And yet, we probably head outside every hour, and sometimes more often. I have learned her signal as to when she’s about to go, and usually manage to divert her outside. But of course there have been accidents, usually when I am not paying attention (only once right in front of me). I think I’m the one being trained here…

We also started a Puppy Kindergarten class this week which is the first time I’ve ever attended formal training with a dog. I am very committed to doing whatever possible to have the most pleasant, well-behaved dog I can.

The other dirty little secret I have is that as much as she has brought into our home, I’m feeling very stressed out, and I’m taking that stress out on my children, in sometimes unfair ways. I need to be more conscious of that. And stop it!