I’m in love with you. I can’t be in love half way. I think we’re better together than apart. I’d like you to come to your freaking senses and realize that too. It’s time – rubber, meet road. You in this or not? Cuz I can’t love someone half way.

Should I?

There isn’t much to say.

Except. There is. After disappearing for a month, SC dropped back into my life only a few days before my mother passed away, and we’ve had daily contact since then. It’s still very…..undefined…..but, I’m hopeful.

How can I not be?

Anyway, I just signed this petition, which I learned about from one of my favorite authors on Facebook, and wanted to let you all know. If you’re so inclined, I’d love for you to sign too. And if not, well, thanks for reading!

When we got the diagnosis we knew we had short time. But once all is said and done the end came much sooner, and much faster, than we expected.

As my mother’s only living child I have had a lot of things to DO in the weeks since she passed. I’m still not done. I have until the end of this month to clean out her apartment – the one I moved her to in November to be closer to us. The one I don’t think she spent one happy day in. Emptying the apartment might actually be the easiest thing since I still need (and want) to actually go through a lot of things. And that’s not even getting into all the legal and financial aspects of all this. The mind boggles.

My mom and I had a difficult relationship in the past 20+ years. I didn’t always like her very much. She was not an easy person to spend time with and she was often critical of me in snide or cruel ways. When my father died of cancer in 1997 I thought the wrong parent died.

I know my mother loved me. She may not have always been able to show it in the ways that I needed it, but I know she did. And her death has shown me that I loved her perhaps more than I thought I did. Despite the pain and difficulty I experienced in our relationship, she’s still my mom. Her late-in-life friends describe a woman I didn’t know (“great sense of humor!” “so full of life!”), while my aunt (my mom’s sister) and I lick our wounds with her often mean spirited treatment of us.

I’m starting to come up for air a bit now. I know I’ll be underwater again as time goes on, as I deal with the aftermath of all that needs to be dealt with. I’m speaking mostly logistically, but I have other concerns too. My sister, my father and now my mother have all died of cancer. You better believe I think about this every day.

I need to try to remember to breathe…..

On the plus side, my kids are both healthy and well. My mom has been moved, and she is unhappy where she is for a variety of reasons, and she feels she is going downhill physically, but, in my very non-medically trained opinion, has quite a bit of time left in her. The whole situation sucks royally, but it is what it is, and I’m dealing with it. Certainly it colors my thoughts and feelings about other stuff going on in my life though.

Which brings me to the punch line – I broke up with SC, the guy I’m in love with, the same week I moved my mom, just before Thanksgiving.

I know what you’re thinking:  Oh boo hoo – she broke up with her boyfriend. Sheesh, how old is she again? Haven’t we all broken up with boyfriends (or girlfriends) in our lives? Sure, it sucks, but we deal and move on.

And all that is true, for sure. I guess, on the one hand, I’ve never actually ended a relationship where I was still in love before. And secondly, it’s been so damn long since I had to get “over” someone that these feelings all feel brand new. Love is great until it isn’t. And then it hurts like a mofo.

Again, I can hear you: So if you’re so in love with him, why did you break up with him anyway?

There are both many answers and no answers to this. The answer I’ll share now is that I came to the painful realization that he either wasn’t willing or wasn’t able to make me any kind of priority in his life. We were dealing with long distance – 5 hours by car – not to even mention two sets of kids, two houses and two full time jobs. We would make plans to see each other, but since the beginning of the summer he has cancelled every single trip out to see me. Sometimes it would be a kid reason, sometimes a job reason. They were always “good” reasons, reasons I understood. But the sheer accumulation of them is what did us in. Where there’s a will there’s a way, and I didn’t feel like he had the will. I was tired of doing all the work emotionally, and tired of being disappointed time and time again.

The worst part is that he has completely erased me from his life. We didn’t have a fight or any falling out. I can’t think of why he would be angry with me. I wasn’t angry with him – just sad and tired. But he unfriended me on Facebook which somehow feels like the ultimate FU gesture.

We each had things at each other’s houses. I sent his back, but he has yet to send mine back. I don’t think he will at this point. It’s really like I don’t exist at all to him.

My friends are waiting for me to go from sad to mad. I spent the first 10 days crying everyday and am happy to report I haven’t cried in maybe a week. But I think about him, and us, a lot. I wonder what could have been different and really wish I knew what was going on in his head. More than one friend has said – maybe it’s better I don’t.

Thanks again for your kind words. I hope you don’t feel like I’m being childish or melodramatic. I really am hurting  and I don’t know what to do with my feelings sometimes. This is harder on me, emotionally, than my divorce.

They say time heals all wounds, and I know it will heal this one too. Just wish I could temporarily speed time up to get past this. Heartache ain’t for wimps, that’s for sure.

More details later….

I had to fill out a basic medical form about some stuff, such as allergies to eggs and if I’d ever had a reaction to a flu shot before. It also asks, if you are a woman, to answer if you are pregnant. I answered no to all questions.

The nurse doing the shot said she had to ask me the same questions verbally. OK, fine. So she asked me the same questions I’d already checked No to. She asked if there was any chance I was pregnant. I said no.

She said, “I didn’t think so!”

Um, OK. How am I supposed to take THAT?

Heavy, wet snow started to fall around 3 pm on Saturday afternoon and quickly picked up steam. The media was hyping this to the nth degree, and it was hard not to notice.

Around 7 pm I heard a loud crash outside, and saw a section of my beloved cherry tree had fallen. Oh well, I thought. I love that tree, but I’ll just have someone chop that limb up and we’ll be on our way.

The power went out around 9, and over the next few hours I heard at least two more loud crashes. Through the darkness I could see my tree had split open like an orange. And taken some wires down with it.

We got 6-8 inches of heavy, wet snow. We’re not unaccustomed to this sort of thing in this part of the country, but in October we sure are. And what made this so disastrous was that the trees were still in full foliage (for the most part), and heavy snow falling on the large surface area the leaves provided made for some hefty weight. Trees can be hardy, but most of them are just not equipped to handle that kind of weight.

In the morning, this is what I found (taken standing by my front door).

Fortunately the local power company came and moved the tree off the power line, allowing the power to be restored to the neighborhood 45 hours after we lost it. But I still need to have the tree picked up and carted away.

Oh, and schools in our area appear to be closed for the foreseeable future. It’s a real fun week around these parts.

Without further ado, I’m 48 years old and I’ve never:

1. Been to Europe. I’d like to, I really would! Hopefully in the next few years. I’ve been to China twice though – can I get some credit for that?

2. Given birth. And it ain’t gonna happen. I’m OK with that.

3. Smoked a cigarette. Nope, not even one puff. I grew up in a smoking home and smoking of any kind has always disgusted me.

4. Gone on a cross country road trip. In theory I would love to do this someday. In practice I’m not sure it would be so fun.

5. Learned how to French braid hair. This would come in really handy with one of my kids, but sadly I never really got the hair gene.

6. Been to a professional football game.

7. Worn a bikini.

8. Been to the White House.

9. Done illegal drugs of any kind.

10. Been irresponsible, even when it wouldn’t have mattered that much.

11. Gone on a honeymoon.

12. Had a broken bone.

13.  Even thought about joining a sorority when in college. Which I kinda regret now.

14. Sang in public. I do love to sing, but I also know that love is not matched by talent, so really I’m doing you all a favor. You’re welcome.

15. Had hair longer than shoulder length. And that was in 3rd grade.

16. Seen a Broadway play. I would really love to see “Book of Mormon” right now!

17. Been SCUBA diving.

18. Done yoga.

19. Had any organs surgically removed from my body.

20. Been arrested. And I’d like to keep it that way.

21. Learned a foreign language, which is an enormous regret.

22. Ridden a train with a sleeper car.

OK, this was harder than I thought. I kept thinking of things I have done, which will of course be another post in the very near future. Also 22 of them. Because symmetry is good.

What about you? What are some things you’ve never done?

So the latest drama, and what sparked a recent cry for help on Facebook, started with a phone call last Thursday morning from the social worker at VNA. She was calling to express concern over my mom’s safety around medication management, and wanted to get my thoughts. I had been concerned about her safety too – the last time I went to see her I found out she had been doubling up on her Oxycontin meds because she hadn’t understood the instructions. She’s constantly confused about what time it is and repeats herself. In short, she’s been acting a lot like she used to when she was drinking.

The social worker said that what they’d like to do, with my permission, was to have the VNA nurse who was due to visit later that morning suggest a hospital stay to my mom. This would be to get her stabilized with regard to medication management, and if she could be admitted for 3 nights, she can then qualify under Medicare to be discharged directly to a Skilled Nursing Facility (SNF) (which I learned is today’s PC term for a nursing home). In short, living alone doesn’t seem to be viable for her anymore.

The social worker called me around noon to say my mom had agreed to the hospital and seemed “relieved”. She was transported by rescue.

I called the hospital around 5 pm to see if she’d been admitted, and she had been, but was still in the ER and had not yet been moved up to her room. I called again around 7 and the floor nurse said she had just arrived and was doing fine. I told the nurse I would call mom in the morning.

In the morning, Friday now, I called my mom. She started off with, “YOU did this to me! YOU had me dragged out of my home! I didn’t know the law then but I do now!” I was floored, I tell you. I said, “Do you see this as punishment???” to which she replied, “You bet I do!”. Well we talked some more, with me very much on the defensive, and I tried to explain how things had happened from my perspective. After a bit she actually calmed down and saw that I was on her side. A real plus, I don’t mind telling you!

The case managers/social workers who had been calling me all agreed on a few things. One, my mom didn’t actually meet the criteria for inpatient care. (So why did they admit her???) Two, this meant that Medicare would not only not pay for her stay at the hospital, but she would not be eligible to be discharged to a SNF under Medicare. Anything we did would be Private Pay or Medicaid if she qualified (she doesn’t).

Over the course of that day, and Saturday, and Sunday, I fielded countless calls from the case managers at the hospital, hospice, social workers from one agency or another. I feel like I was on the phone all weekend. When I talked to my mom on Saturday morning she suddenly sounded like herself. In fact, dare I say she sounded nearly like herself of 25 years ago. You know, the one I used to like.  She was sane and rational and clear headed. She said she hadn’t taken any pain meds stronger than Tylenol in several days. Her regular doctor had been in to see her and was appalled at the narcotics the oncologist had her on. She and I agreed (and this had come out on Friday as people would call me, then go talk to my mom, then call me back, etc, etc) that if she needed to be moved anywhere that she should be moved to my area so I could visit her more and take a greater role in her care. She was quite literally happily tearful that this was something I wanted.

So I called a local facility and made an appointment for Saturday. This particular one has both a SNF and an Assisted Living facility. SNF’s are, or can be, covered under Medicare, while Assisted Living is always paid for privately. My mom really doesn’t meet the criteria for SNF’s anyway. I mean, they would take her if that’s where I wanted to send her, but she doesn’t need help bathing or dressing or eating. And if she’s off the narcotics she probably doesn’t need help with meds management. So I really only looked at the Assisted Living portion. As a facility it was pretty nice. Clean and cheerful looking. It was lunchtime when I visited so I got to see all the residents at one time in the dining room being served their chef-prepared meals restaurant style. The first thing I noticed was that no one was talking. The room was silent except for waiters asking whether someone would like more coffee. The second thing I noticed was how the life seemed gone from most of the eyes I saw. It was utterly depressing and not a place I could picture my mom, at least not right now.

I took yesterday off work with the intention of visiting a few more places. First thing yesterday morning a friend emailed me about a place that is Independent Living, that another friend of our’s grandmother had lived in years ago (got all that?). The web site looked intriguing so I decided to drop in.

I was there almost 4 hours.

I fell in love with this place. I walked in and I felt life. Residents were gathered in the atrium enjoying the sunshine. They made eye contact with me. They were conversing with each other. The Assisted Living facilities also have activities planned, but based on what I saw, I can’t imagine anyone participating in them. This place has activities and people do them! There is a husband/wife management team who live right there on site. I fell in love with them too. I was honest about my mom – she is 71 (so young! they said) and her condition is likely to worsen over the next 6-12 months. I worried that as time went by they would no longer be able to keep her there. They were very thoughtful in their response to me. They said some of their residents are on hospice now, and that as long as my mom was comfortable there, and I was comfortable with her there, she would be welcome there. They don’t provide any medical care themselves – it’s basically an apartment building for seniors, except all 3 meals are provided, housekeeping, and the activities, etc – but any services my mom receives today such as VNA, hospice, etc she could receive there as well. Oh, and it costs less than half what the assisted living places charge!

Because I spent so much time there (they invited me to have lunch with them in the dining room – the food was good, residents talked and laughed with each other!) I only had enough time to visit one more place – an Assisted Living facility on the way home. I was very discouraged here – it seemed dirty and the staff was very young. I met a friend there who was volunteering so I got to go in to some rooms and meet some of the residents. We heard one resident crying out from her room while a few steps away staff was relaxing having a private conversation. I walked past a room where a “birthday party” was taking place and the residents were sitting in rows, not really looking at anything or seemingly engaged. Again, not a place I can imagine my mom.

So to back up a minute – the hospital would not discharge my mom until we had a “plan” in place. They put a lot of pressure on me to give them the name of a SNF and I finally said, “This is not a decision you make over a weekend!” Long story short, we were basically forced to set her up with someone coming in to the house a few hours a day to help with stuff like housekeeping, laundry, meal prep, errands, shopping, etc. She would like a few weeks at home to sort of get her affairs in order there before moving. She has all these grand ideas of getting her house ready to put on the market. So that’s what we’re doing for now – she has someone coming in for 3 hours a day (at $22.50 per hour) to do those things for her…for now. She has decided not to continue chemo, even though she felt fine after the first one (second one was due for today). I think mostly she is disgusted with her oncologist and has decided not to use him at all anymore (though only a few weeks ago she was disgusted with her regular doctor who she now thinks is awesome).

I think that pretty much brings us to the present. I’m stressed out all the time, but I feel better right now than I did even a week ago. Those narcotics are nasty and really messed with her mind. And apparently she didn’t really need them for pain, at least not yet. As she said, she’d rather feel a little pain than be loopy.

And with this, I am hoping that my NEXT post will be about something fun. Like maybe my love life!