Feeling Accomplished

It’ s amazing what performing a small task can do to your sense of accomplishment!

 My toilet has had a “lazy flush” for as long as I’ve owned the house (exactly a year now), and I finally decided to try to do somethign about it. Thanks to this site on Toiletology (funny name, but they know their stuff!) I narrowd it down to a worn flapper. A quick trip to the local Home Depot, and $5.23 lighter in my pocketbook (not bad!), I had all the supplies necessary. The instructions on the back were generic but clear. And yeah, my old flapper was worn all right! The black rubber/plastic it was made out of turned my hands black as if I had rubbed black ink on them. It really only took me 5-10 minutes to complete the job, and I feel so proud to have fixed my toilet myself. And now my flushing isn’t so lazy!

Something’s Missing

About a month ago an old friend, E, visited and spent the night. We had actually dated for about a year, a good 10 years ago. It didn’t last because, in the end, I just didn’t feel he saw me in his future. There were other things (aren’t there always) but that’s probably what it boiled down to, and the deal breaker of it all. Despite it not working out, I felt then and feel today that E is a good quality guy who would be a great partner for anyone I kow.

When he visited us last month I had suggested he spend the night, as he lives 2 hours away and we had plans to watch a night football game. We made up a batch of drinks, and one thing led to another and we spent a good deal of time making out. I responded in ways I had completely forgotten about, and definitely got into it. I also know that it was the alcohol smoothing the way, as I had not had any romantic feelings for him, despite trying to.

The next morning I wasn’t sure what to think. Are we in a relationship now? Do I want to be? Does he? What happens now? What on earth do we do? He spent all morning and part of the afternoon mooning around my house, before finally leaving. I felt odd around him – not sure how close to get to him, should I hug him, touch him, squeeze him, kiss him? But it felt…..squiggly. I dunno.

Anyway, it wasn’t till I had a dream the other night that I realized what’s wrong. In the dream I was with another guy, D, that I had dated years ago. When D and I were originally together in real life he taught me lesson about passion that I had forgotten. Though our romantic relationship was relatively brief, he taught me that I was capable of feeling passion about someone and something that I had thought was lost to me forever. In my dream we were together, but this time ready for each other, and decided to plan our wedding. And you know what? I was so HAPPY! I woke up HAPPY! That’s what’s missing with E – I just don’t feel happy about the prospect of a relationship with him. It feels like an obligation. I deserve happy. Heck, I deserve ecstatic. And I’m going to wait for it.

I still have to figure out what to do about E. He IM’s me nearly everyday. Mostly idle chit chat, nothing serious or anything. But he wants to come visit again soon and I’m not sure how I feel about it. I don’t want to lose his friendship, but I don’t want a romantic relationship either. I’ll figure it out. But not now.