About a month ago an old friend, E, visited and spent the night. We had actually dated for about a year, a good 10 years ago. It didn’t last because, in the end, I just didn’t feel he saw me in his future. There were other things (aren’t there always) but that’s probably what it boiled down to, and the deal breaker of it all. Despite it not working out, I felt then and feel today that E is a good quality guy who would be a great partner for anyone I kow.
When he visited us last month I had suggested he spend the night, as he lives 2 hours away and we had plans to watch a night football game. We made up a batch of drinks, and one thing led to another and we spent a good deal of time making out. I responded in ways I had completely forgotten about, and definitely got into it. I also know that it was the alcohol smoothing the way, as I had not had any romantic feelings for him, despite trying to.
The next morning I wasn’t sure what to think. Are we in a relationship now? Do I want to be? Does he? What happens now? What on earth do we do? He spent all morning and part of the afternoon mooning around my house, before finally leaving. I felt odd around him – not sure how close to get to him, should I hug him, touch him, squeeze him, kiss him? But it felt…..squiggly. I dunno.
Anyway, it wasn’t till I had a dream the other night that I realized what’s wrong. In the dream I was with another guy, D, that I had dated years ago. When D and I were originally together in real life he taught me lesson about passion that I had forgotten. Though our romantic relationship was relatively brief, he taught me that I was capable of feeling passion about someone and something that I had thought was lost to me forever. In my dream we were together, but this time ready for each other, and decided to plan our wedding. And you know what? I was so HAPPY! I woke up HAPPY! That’s what’s missing with E – I just don’t feel happy about the prospect of a relationship with him. It feels like an obligation. I deserve happy. Heck, I deserve ecstatic. And I’m going to wait for it.
I still have to figure out what to do about E. He IM’s me nearly everyday. Mostly idle chit chat, nothing serious or anything. But he wants to come visit again soon and I’m not sure how I feel about it. I don’t want to lose his friendship, but I don’t want a romantic relationship either. I’ll figure it out. But not now.