Fantasy Flirting

I’m a born and bred Red Sox fan. As a child, my dad would take me to a game once a year as a special outing. Even today, on the rare occasion I attend a game at Fenway, the feeling I get when I walk up the ramp and see the first sight of that green field….well it truly defines the experience for me. That first glimpse is the thrill of seeing a celebrity you’ve long admired.

Now that I’m back in New England, Red Sox games on TV are completely accessible to me. I don’t watch every game, or even all of any game, very often (unlike New England Patriots games which I feel morally obligated to see!). But I do enjoy checking in from time to time most nights a game is on. Last night’s TV options were pretty slim, so I had the game on while I surfed on the couch. Boston playing Cleveland at home. Curt Schilling pitching for the Sox. Curt will always hold a special place in my heart, and in many of us in Red Sox Nation for what he did in the 2004 ALCS series versus the NY Yankees. Last year Curt had a rough year, but he’s doing fairly well this year, and last night he was really on his game. I only saw about an inning or so of him – he came out after the 7th inning – but he must have been in my head.

Last night he was a co-worker at my job during the day, a pitcher with the Sox at night. And he was flirting shamelessly with me, and I right back with him. In real life, of course, Curt is happily married and is not even someone I’m consciously attracted to. But can I tell you how much fun it was to flirt with him in my dreams! I actually woke up feeling happy – all over a fantasy flirt with a sports figure. Now, go figure!

Ice Cream Outing

It was hot here today – mid-80’s. Not that I’m complaining – definitely not! It was a beautiful, warm, sunny, dry day – near perfect weather in my view. And a great day for ice cream – I knew the girls would be thrilled at the notion of a trip to the ice cream stand near our house.

And they were! Both ate great dinners, and off we set for ice cream. K was on her bike, and B in the stroller. It’s about a half mile walk from our house. We passed the small park where a T-ball game was being played by teams in red and white, with parents hovering nearby. B kept shouting for K to wait, as she was way ahead on her bike.

Feeling Invisible

Warning – incoherent rant ahead……

It rained all day today. Cooped in the house with two young children is enough to drive anyone mad. I decided a brief dose of sanity, for all of us, would be a trip to McDonalds for dinner, with a short stint at the Playland for the girls.

Guess a lot of folks felt similarly about being cooped up, because the Playland was unusually active tonight. Rather than having the place mostly to ourselves as is usual, tonight there were about 10 other kids, with K, at 6, being the oldest. Accompanying all these kids were various permutations of parents and/or other caregivers. I appeared to be the only single parent, or at least the only parent there without another adult acccompanying me. And this may sound odd….but I truly felt like I was wearing some sort of adult invisibility cloak. Of course my own girls could see me, and kept checking in, but no other person over the age of 4 made so much as eye contact with me. And I thought about this as I stood there. And I stood there because there were no open seats in the Playland area. Can anyone else see me? Do I exist to anyone but my own kids?

Got home, baths, PJ’s and stories, and the blessed “good night, I love you” to the girls. My time. Blessed, alone time. Watched a show I had on DVR from the other night, gradually catching up (a busy time of year with lots of shows having season finales). And got unspeakably lonely. For exactly what,I’m not sure I can say. For my friends in NY, who I called briefly. For a special someone, a man, too. Though this is less specific since there is quite literally no one. Had lunch with a friend the other day and we talked about speed dating. Sounds like something I’d be interested in at some point. I hopped online to check it out, just out of curiousity. Turns out there is an event in my area in a few weeks. But, I’m too freaking old!! There are other events that I do fit the age range for, but many do not include me. I feel, and look, much younger than my age, so this is annoying at best and humiliating at worst. Then again, I have no time or energy to date….though I can’t help thinking about it at times. Especially on a night like tonight when I’ve had two glasses of wine….What would I say to a date? What would we talk about? How would I know I liked him? What would he find to like about me?

OK, enough – this is way too self-pitying. Really just wanted to check in. I do feel invisible a lot of the time. But I’m not ready to jump into the open either.

A Lifebook Reveal

I have two daughters, ages 6 and 3. Both of them were adopted from China. My 6 year old, K, was adopted when she was 14 months old, and she can recite her story by heart. We talk about her birth family, and China, and we visited the orphanage she lived in when we went to China last June to adopt her little sister, B. Mostly, it has all been very matter of fact for her. While I knew she would not feel this way forever, I didn’t know what might change her feelings, or when.

Last week I got my usual monthly email from Beth O’Malley, who writes books and publishes articles on creating a lifebook for your adopted child. I’ve done one for K, using Beth’s guide, and we read it often. I still need to create B’s book, but her story is very different and in many ways she’s been living a lifebook. More on that another time. I’ll defnitely still do one for B, and need to update K’s, but it’s less of a priority.

Anyway, in the email this month she mentioned that she was soliciting kids age 5-9, adopted from China, who would be willing to work on a new workbook she had just created and provide a few sentences of review. I emailed her back and the workbook arrived yesterday. It is very similar to the lifebook I did for K, but it is more interactive with the child, with places for them to draw pictures, fill in the blanks and ask questions. K was having fun answering questions about her favorite foods, things she likes to do, things that bug her, and the meaning of her Chinese name.

Random Thoughts – catching up

Wow, so much for regular posting, huh? Sheesh….

Not much time to get deep right now, but here’s what’s going on:

• I had surgery on April 19th — all went well. Re-connected (connected?) with my step-sister who was my nurse and child helper for the 24 hours afterwards
• TV Show “Lost” is kicking ass!!
• I am planning a visit to my dear friends out of state next month to celebrate a 50th birthday – my ex also lives in their area and he will expect to spend time with K. But I have us fully booked for that visit and don’t want to give her up for this trip – he totally monopolizes her when we are there. Need to think about this some more.
• I had an “inappropriate” dream about my boss the other night!! The thing is, it was a very nice dream….and yet I have never had any type of sexual feelings about him in real (awake) life before. But when I saw him yesterday I felt all funny, as if something really had happened between us – bizarre.
• Trip to Disneyworld is barely 4 months away – gotta drop some weight (10 pounds would be great) by then to hopefully help with managing the heat – would be a lot easier if I could just LAY OFF THE JUNK!
• The clutter in my house is making me crazy…..

OK, thats it for now – will try to get back to regular posting again – it’s just like getting back to an exercise program or returning to healthier eating.