Warning – incoherent rant ahead……
It rained all day today. Cooped in the house with two young children is enough to drive anyone mad. I decided a brief dose of sanity, for all of us, would be a trip to McDonalds for dinner, with a short stint at the Playland for the girls.
Guess a lot of folks felt similarly about being cooped up, because the Playland was unusually active tonight. Rather than having the place mostly to ourselves as is usual, tonight there were about 10 other kids, with K, at 6, being the oldest. Accompanying all these kids were various permutations of parents and/or other caregivers. I appeared to be the only single parent, or at least the only parent there without another adult acccompanying me. And this may sound odd….but I truly felt like I was wearing some sort of adult invisibility cloak. Of course my own girls could see me, and kept checking in, but no other person over the age of 4 made so much as eye contact with me. And I thought about this as I stood there. And I stood there because there were no open seats in the Playland area. Can anyone else see me? Do I exist to anyone but my own kids?
Got home, baths, PJ’s and stories, and the blessed “good night, I love you” to the girls. My time. Blessed, alone time. Watched a show I had on DVR from the other night, gradually catching up (a busy time of year with lots of shows having season finales). And got unspeakably lonely. For exactly what,I’m not sure I can say. For my friends in NY, who I called briefly. For a special someone, a man, too. Though this is less specific since there is quite literally no one. Had lunch with a friend the other day and we talked about speed dating. Sounds like something I’d be interested in at some point. I hopped online to check it out, just out of curiousity. Turns out there is an event in my area in a few weeks. But, I’m too freaking old!! There are other events that I do fit the age range for, but many do not include me. I feel, and look, much younger than my age, so this is annoying at best and humiliating at worst. Then again, I have no time or energy to date….though I can’t help thinking about it at times. Especially on a night like tonight when I’ve had two glasses of wine….What would I say to a date? What would we talk about? How would I know I liked him? What would he find to like about me?
OK, enough – this is way too self-pitying. Really just wanted to check in. I do feel invisible a lot of the time. But I’m not ready to jump into the open either.