I alluded to my “issues” with food in a post awhile back. Apparently, my progress has slipped. I have been making very poor food choices over the last few months, and today I realized that I am feeling it in my clothes. Of course, the fact that I polished off a half gallon of ice cream today, which was only opened yesterday, certainly helped contribute to this feeling. And it’s not quite a half gallon anymore either, is it? OK, 56 ounces – it’s still a sign of a problem.
The last time I tackled my food issues in a big way I read a lot of books by Geneen Roth, who I admire greatly. She is an incredibly wise person, and she has walked the walk. Intellectually, I get most of what she espouses. Some of it I still wrestle with, and I suspect I always will, but that’s OK. I don’t expect to be perfect.
One of Geneen’s books is called “When Food Is Love” – this book spoke to me in brand new ways. Finally, something that made sense, that I could relate to. And so I know that’s a huge way I use food. It is my drug of choice, and it is a stand-in for other things that are missing in my life. When I was married there was a span of time that I bought, and ate, a pint of ice cream everyday, and hid the container in the trash. As you might imagine, I put on a lot of weight. I didn’t really know why I was doing it. I felt a little crazy when I was buying it, when I was eating it, when I was hiding the evidence. It was almost an out of body thing. I didn’t know how to figure out why I was doing it, and frankly, I only wanted to feel the cool, smooth, sweet love that was filling me up. When we split up, I lost that weight. Don’t get me wrong, I joined Weight Watchers and worked at it. But I also had the emotional freedom to be able to do that for myself. In fact, when a co-worker saw me after I’d lost about 15 pounds and commented on my weight loss I joked that I’d lost about 175 pounds (meaning my ex-husband, of course).
So I feel myself slipping down that slope again. I ate 56 ounces of ice cream in the last two days. I’m eating when I’m not hungry, when I’m full even, because…..I don’t know why. Consciously, there is nothing I’m seeking to fill. Subconsciously there is obviously something.