I have been mulling over what I would write about on “C” day ever since, well, yesterday, when I finished up “B”. I thought about cuddling, or computers. Even cupcakes floated through my head (I bought some today!). And so I will briefly touch on those now before moving on.
I rarely use an alarm clock – B is my early riser and functions as my wake-up call very nicely, thanks. She usually barrels into my room earlier than I would have an alarm on anyway. She is not still for very long, so I hesitate to call her climbing into bed with me “cuddling” in the usual sense of the word. But it’s part of the routine. K sometimes gets up early enough to join us, when I become sandwiched between them (heaven forbid they have to lie next to each other!), and this squees me out a bit as I hate not having an exit. I think I would enjoy this much more if we were all able to lie still and quietly and just “be”. Alas…
Computers – well, I guess I don’t have as much to say about this as I thought – good thing I didn’t really pick it! I love my computer (I’m writing this on my MacBook Pro), and can’t imagine life without it. There. That is all I have to say about that for now.
Ah, but control. Control – the quest for it, the feeling of not having it, the striving to get it, and keep it – this rules, some might say, controls, my life. It has been the downfall of at least one relationship (my marriage), and negatively afflicts others, particularly with my children. I guess I am a Control Freak. Said with much amazement. You could even know me for a long time and not guess this about me – I hide it very well. At least I think I do.
I want to feel less driven by a need for control. So what if the dishes aren’t put away right away? Will it really matter next week or next year if the games aren’t picked up THIS INSTANT? Why does everything always have to be MY way, and RIGHT now? I don’t even know how to answer this. This seems to be much more of a factor for me in my private life. At work I am a conscientious employee, even a leader, but I don’t feel this insecure (usually). Maybe that’s the key – I feel insecure. About what, I’m not sure…I do like things to be a certain way. I wouldn’t quite say I’m a-n-a-l about it, but some who are looser about these things might. My ex was – man, oh man. He was one of those alphabetize the spice rack, shoes perfectly lined up, clothes arranged by color and style kind of guys. Which was refreshing at first, since it was the total opposite of the guy I’d been with previously. He felt like a grown-up. Finally. What it took me too long to realize was that he couldn’t let anyone else be a grown-up too. Fade to black.
So – responsibility without dogma. Control as a guideline, not a mantra. Let’s see how that feels on for awhile.