Easy Come, Easy Go

I am writing this mostly as therapy for myself, a way to work through some of my emotions around this.

I fell hard for Tim. We emailed and IM’d a lot before we finally met. We really clicked and I could barely wait to meet him. He felt the same. He was playful and smart and funny and I was wildly attracted to him. We saw each other four times in that first week after meeting. We were talking about the future, and were connecting. I think it’s fair to say I’d never connected with anyone on so many levels, so quickly. Everything seemed promising. The morning before Thanksgiving we made plans for Monday(he has his boys all weekend so we wouldn’t be able to get together). We both moaned and groaned about how difficult it would be to wait that long to see each other again.

We each had other plans on Thanksgiving, and it was too early to meet each other’s families. I texted him on Thanksgiving afternoon, a simple “gobble, gobble” to let him know I was thinking of him, and I got a wordy text back which ended in “Talk to you soon” but I didn’t hear from him that night, nor all day on Friday. Friday evening he logged on to IM and sent me a message saying he and the boys had just gotten home, they were going to watch a show and would I be around later. I settled in to wait for him to be free so we could chat, either online or on the phone.

He called after the boys were in bed, and after sharing Thanksgiving Day stories he said, “I need to talk to you about something,” and my blood ran cold.

Wednesday evening, his most recent ex-girlfriend showed up at his house. As he said, “I thought our story was over, but it isn’t.” He went on and on about how wonderful and amazing I am but I wasn’t really listening. How wonderful can you be if you come in second place? If you can be excited about someone in the morning, and then jumping back with someone else a few hours later? I listened, and was silent. He said he had seen a future with me, and that he had been looking forward to where were going. Finally I said, in a cry-filled voice, “I don’t know what you want me to say.” He must have said something and I then said, “You seem like a great guy, so I’ll wish you happiness.” And then, “The longer I stay on the phone with you the harder this will be” and we hung up. I was numb. I barely slept all night. I’m still mostly numb.

My three year marriage was mostly miserable. It ended slowly and agonizingly, as each day the love and desire oh-so-slowly slipped away. I never shed a tear during the whole process. I have already cried over Tim. I know he doesn’t deserve this much of my grief and energy. I feel foolish for falling so hard and so quickly. For hurting so much when I have only known him a short time. And yet, I don’t know any other way to be.

I am so, so sad. I’m definitely feeling sorry for myself and am not sure how to snap out of it. I miss the potential we thought we had in a way that makes my heart hurt. I’m wondering if I really have the stomach, or the heart, for this dating thing.

Giving Thanks

Happy Thanksgiving!

We are enjoying a lazy day at home before heading over to friends’ for a dinner hour Thanksgiving meal. We are bringing two pies, the recipes for which were offered up by Facebook friends when I posted a status looking for new recipes to try. They are both setting in the frig right now, and were easy to make. I hope they taste as good!

Today I am thankful for my two beautiful and healthy children, my own good health, our two dogs, my job and all our friends and family.

Taking some “Me” Time

So, update time!

Last year in my dipping-toe-in-the-water-of-dating I determined pretty quickly that I just didn’t have the time to date. My life is very full and busy. I hold down a full time job for a salary, am parenting two still-young children on my own (a full time job in itself), maintain a home, have now two dogs and all the extraneous life pieces that go with all those things. Finding time to squeeze another person into that seemed near impossible.

Until I met Tim that is. I’ve already chronicled our first date and want to let you know that I will not be chronicling any more like that (phew, right?) but we’ve seen each other three times now in less than a week. Things look really promising, although it is still very early. At any rate, I am very much enjoying getting to know him, and finding the time to see him does not seem to be a big obstacle at all.

Yesterday I ran in a local road race. It was a 4.7 mile run (yes, and odd distance) and the longest I’d run in quite awhile. But it was a perfect fall day, and the course was through some well-maintained paths along a canal near where we live and it was beautiful and relaxing to run. I finished strong and it felt great the whole way. I’m hooked on the racing bug and am going to look for the next one soon! I had a sitter for the kids and it was really nice to get out and have some time for just me.

Passing the Chemistry Test

If you read yesterday’s post you already know that last night I had a date. A first date with a new guy.

I got to the restaurant and parked on the street outside. I was a teensy bit early (about 15 minutes) because my sitter had arrived and I was too nervous to hang around the house any longer. I figured I’d wait in my car till a few minutes before our agreed meeting time, since I was sure I was too early for him to already be there, and I didn’t want to wait inside by myself.

A few minutes later a car pulled over to park, and when the driver got out, I knew it was him. We’ll call him Tim. I watched him walk into the restaurant, waited a beat or two, and then went in myself. As much fun with talking and banter we’d been enjoying through email, Instant Messaging and the phone, I was concerned that once we met in person it would fall flat. I’m really funny about that. I’ve rejected otherwise perfect men because I just couldn’t imagine kissing them.

We greeted each other with a hug and went off to the “first date table” he had requested in arriving before me. It was off in the corner – the perfect place away from the noise to talk. He pulled out my chair for me and as he sat down he said, “I want you to know there is no reason for you to be nervous. I will be playing the part of nervous tonight.” How cute is that???

We ordered two wine flights – one red and one white, and two different orders of tapas. Neither of us had the stomach to eat much (nerves you know), but the food was excellent and the wine helped take the edge off. We had a most enjoyable time talking and laughing and enjoying finally being together in the same room.

Then we played a little game of Truth or Dare. This was something we had talked about beforehand – we’d play a hand or three of cards – poker, go fish, crazy eights, whatever –  and the winner would get to have the loser do a truth and a dare. Because of the tone some of our conversations had taken, these were already assumed to be a tad on the PG-13 side. I had mine all ready, but I was mostly hoping I would lose because I was too nervous to actually have him read or do them.

Well, I won, and as the winner I decided to read the ones he had prepared for me instead (winners make the rules after all!). His Truth was easy – it asked if I’d ever gone skinny dipping, how I liked it, and if I’d ever do it again. Yes, a lot, and yes! Then I opened his Dare. It made me blush to read it, but suffice to say, it was really just a very wordy version of the one I had prepared for him, so I gave him mine instead. Mine read, “Kiss me. Right here, right now.” He smiled as he read it, said, “Right here?”. I responded, “That’s what it says.” He got up, came over to my seat and bent down and kissed me so softly, so sweetly and with just a little passion thrown in there at the end. It was very nice, and very exciting. I hadn’t kissed anyone in way too long, so it was even better.

Once that tension barrier had been broken we relaxed even more and we continued enjoying our time together. We made plans to get together again (this Saturday!) and reluctantly left the restaurant since I had a teenage sitter with school the next day to relieve at home. He even offered to chip in for the sitter (which I declined) – is that nice or is that nice?

Chemistry? We got it. I’m really looking forward to seeing where this goes.

Plenty of Fish in the Sea…..

Tonight I am going on my first first date in just over a year.

I really, REALLY like this guy. We met online, and have emailed, IM’d and talked on the phone. We have seen photos of each other. The chemistry is there and I like him very much without even having officially met him yet.

I am hopeful that our in-person meeting (which is for drinks and tapas later tonight) will prove just as exciting and wonderful as the lead up has been. There may be plenty of fish out there, but you only need to bring home one.

Wish us luck!

Music to my ears

We have a new nighttime routine in our family. Like most things, it sort of evolved slowly over time, but I’d say we’ve been living our current version for several weeks now.

It goes something like this:

I leave work and pick up one child. Usually Krystal is first, but depending on my schedule for the day it might be Belle. Either way, whichever child and I have an enjoyable enough drive to pick up the other child. Sometimes we share parts of our day, sometimes we talk about what is for dinner, sometimes we sing along to the radio. It’s nearly always a pleasant time.

Then we pick up the next child. Cue the ominous music now.

Bicker, bicker, bicker, bicker.

That’s mine! You did it! No, you did it! Get out of my backpack! Don’t touch my homework! Mom! She’s touching me! Make her stop looking at me! She pinched me! Copycat!

I am serenaded by this all the way home. It really puts me in a “coming home at the end of a long day” state of mind.

Once we get home it’s not any better because suddenly there are chores to do. I need to get dinner on the table. Dogs need to go out and get fed. Krystal has homework. Often laundry needs folding and putting away and of course there are always toys, clothes and whatnot to be picked up everywhere we look. Couple this with the duet my children play with each other and it’s a real recipe for stress.

But last night in the car, somewhere after a “Stop breathing at me!” from one child to the other, my hero intervened. Taylor Swift, singing “You Belong with Me” started wafting over the radio, and both girls were suddenly focused only on that song. They quieted down to hear it, and then joined in.

Music to my ears.

Fall Back Schmack

Just checking in for my annual rant on the “fall back” time change. I hate it. Some people say “Oh, but you get an extra hour of sleep!” I’m here to tell you – when you live with children and dogs there is no such thing. Their clocks are not turned back at 2 am. Someone should really do something about that.

And of course tonight we’ll see it get dark an hour earlier, and earlier, and earlier all the way up to the winter solstice in December, which I hate even more. The getting dark earlier part, I mean. And winter too, now that you mention it.

With that, I’m off to enjoy the day- rant over!