I am writing this mostly as therapy for myself, a way to work through some of my emotions around this.
I fell hard for Tim. We emailed and IM’d a lot before we finally met. We really clicked and I could barely wait to meet him. He felt the same. He was playful and smart and funny and I was wildly attracted to him. We saw each other four times in that first week after meeting. We were talking about the future, and were connecting. I think it’s fair to say I’d never connected with anyone on so many levels, so quickly. Everything seemed promising. The morning before Thanksgiving we made plans for Monday(he has his boys all weekend so we wouldn’t be able to get together). We both moaned and groaned about how difficult it would be to wait that long to see each other again.
We each had other plans on Thanksgiving, and it was too early to meet each other’s families. I texted him on Thanksgiving afternoon, a simple “gobble, gobble” to let him know I was thinking of him, and I got a wordy text back which ended in “Talk to you soon” but I didn’t hear from him that night, nor all day on Friday. Friday evening he logged on to IM and sent me a message saying he and the boys had just gotten home, they were going to watch a show and would I be around later. I settled in to wait for him to be free so we could chat, either online or on the phone.
He called after the boys were in bed, and after sharing Thanksgiving Day stories he said, “I need to talk to you about something,” and my blood ran cold.
Wednesday evening, his most recent ex-girlfriend showed up at his house. As he said, “I thought our story was over, but it isn’t.” He went on and on about how wonderful and amazing I am but I wasn’t really listening. How wonderful can you be if you come in second place? If you can be excited about someone in the morning, and then jumping back with someone else a few hours later? I listened, and was silent. He said he had seen a future with me, and that he had been looking forward to where were going. Finally I said, in a cry-filled voice, “I don’t know what you want me to say.” He must have said something and I then said, “You seem like a great guy, so I’ll wish you happiness.” And then, “The longer I stay on the phone with you the harder this will be” and we hung up. I was numb. I barely slept all night. I’m still mostly numb.
My three year marriage was mostly miserable. It ended slowly and agonizingly, as each day the love and desire oh-so-slowly slipped away. I never shed a tear during the whole process. I have already cried over Tim. I know he doesn’t deserve this much of my grief and energy. I feel foolish for falling so hard and so quickly. For hurting so much when I have only known him a short time. And yet, I don’t know any other way to be.
I am so, so sad. I’m definitely feeling sorry for myself and am not sure how to snap out of it. I miss the potential we thought we had in a way that makes my heart hurt. I’m wondering if I really have the stomach, or the heart, for this dating thing.