So SC and I have started the discussions to move closer to each other. Because of the ages of our children, we’ve decided that I should be the one to move. My kids are portable (still young) and don’t have another parent to consider. Two of his are in high school and their mother lives close by. It’s a no-brainer, really.
We still have a lot more to discuss: Will we live together right away? If so, in his (small) house, or will we buy a new one together? If not, then what? And what’s next – Engagement? Marriage? All those plus a lot more to come, but the wheels are turning and I am very excited about it. This is the man for me.
SC and I have both experienced a failed marriage. Failed relationships, except in cases of extreme abuse, are virtually never only the fault of one party. So it’s got me thinking about the mistakes in my first marriage. What did I do wrong to bring about its failure? What could I have done differently? More to the point, what do I want to do differently in my relationship with SC, especially once it gets to the living together/possibly marriage part, so the same fate doesn’t befall us?
I read not too long ago a statement (that I wish I could find to quote exactly) that said marriage is taking a great relationship and mucking it up by adding in all the crap of daily life: who will wash the dishes, pick up the kids, make dinner, mow the lawn, etc, etc, ad infinitum. (I will keep looking.) In other words, marriage takes the romance and fun out of even the best relationships. This terrifies me!!
My first marriage was not a happy one. SC’s first marriage was happy for the first 3 years (according to him) and hit a huge issue around Year 10 that he wishes now he’d dealt with directly with a divorce, but didn’t for 7 more years.
He and I have the strongest connection I’ve ever experienced with anyone. I had it with him the first time around, and I have it with him now. I’m convinced we have a very special chemistry together that you don’t find very often. At least I haven’t. He feels the same way. Keeping what we have together is very important to both of us.
It’s easy to lay blame on the other party when a marriage goes south. I certainly attribute most of the fault of my marriage to my ex-husband. At the time he even agreed. But of course I was there too. What can I do differently with SC?
- Tap into my inner girl. I’m not the girliest person out there, and I’m OK with this. SC loves me the way I am and certainly doesn’t expect me to change. But, I think remembering that I’m a girl, his girl, can help keep the freshness and passion alive. With my ex I never wore earrings (I had a toddler and it seemed too much trouble), put on a lot of weight, and rarely wore anything besides jeans and a loose sweatshirt or t-shirt. I never initiated sex. I didn’t feel particularly attractive and had no interest in trying to be. SC and I have a lot more fire and I honestly can’t imagine this happening with him, but I do think it’s important. I will say that since my divorce my sense of style and femininity have increased on their own, so I’m already most of the way there. I still prefer jeans and t-shirts, but they fit me now, and I care more how I look.
- Communicate! Pretty obvious, huh? Well it’s the downfall of too many relationships, so while we all might know it, we don’t all practice it terribly well. I know I didn’t. If I’ve got something to say, I need to address it with SC and not with my girlfriends. Definitely a mistake I made the first time.
So what about you? Even if you’re in a happy marriage, what have you done, or could you do, to make it happier? I’d really like to know!!