Thanks to those who commented on my last post, and even to those who read and didn’t comment. Your thoughts and support mean a lot to me.
On the plus side, my kids are both healthy and well. My mom has been moved, and she is unhappy where she is for a variety of reasons, and she feels she is going downhill physically, but, in my very non-medically trained opinion, has quite a bit of time left in her. The whole situation sucks royally, but it is what it is, and I’m dealing with it. Certainly it colors my thoughts and feelings about other stuff going on in my life though.
Which brings me to the punch line – I broke up with SC, the guy I’m in love with, the same week I moved my mom, just before Thanksgiving.
I know what you’re thinking: Oh boo hoo – she broke up with her boyfriend. Sheesh, how old is she again? Haven’t we all broken up with boyfriends (or girlfriends) in our lives? Sure, it sucks, but we deal and move on.
And all that is true, for sure. I guess, on the one hand, I’ve never actually ended a relationship where I was still in love before. And secondly, it’s been so damn long since I had to get “over” someone that these feelings all feel brand new. Love is great until it isn’t. And then it hurts like a mofo.
Again, I can hear you: So if you’re so in love with him, why did you break up with him anyway?
There are both many answers and no answers to this. The answer I’ll share now is that I came to the painful realization that he either wasn’t willing or wasn’t able to make me any kind of priority in his life. We were dealing with long distance – 5 hours by car – not to even mention two sets of kids, two houses and two full time jobs. We would make plans to see each other, but since the beginning of the summer he has cancelled every single trip out to see me. Sometimes it would be a kid reason, sometimes a job reason. They were always “good” reasons, reasons I understood. But the sheer accumulation of them is what did us in. Where there’s a will there’s a way, and I didn’t feel like he had the will. I was tired of doing all the work emotionally, and tired of being disappointed time and time again.
The worst part is that he has completely erased me from his life. We didn’t have a fight or any falling out. I can’t think of why he would be angry with me. I wasn’t angry with him – just sad and tired. But he unfriended me on Facebook which somehow feels like the ultimate FU gesture.
We each had things at each other’s houses. I sent his back, but he has yet to send mine back. I don’t think he will at this point. It’s really like I don’t exist at all to him.
My friends are waiting for me to go from sad to mad. I spent the first 10 days crying everyday and am happy to report I haven’t cried in maybe a week. But I think about him, and us, a lot. I wonder what could have been different and really wish I knew what was going on in his head. More than one friend has said – maybe it’s better I don’t.
Thanks again for your kind words. I hope you don’t feel like I’m being childish or melodramatic. I really am hurting and I don’t know what to do with my feelings sometimes. This is harder on me, emotionally, than my divorce.
They say time heals all wounds, and I know it will heal this one too. Just wish I could temporarily speed time up to get past this. Heartache ain’t for wimps, that’s for sure.
It should never matter what the reason is. When you hurt, you hurt. And those who truly care won’t care what those reasons are either. When you feel you’ve done all you can and still feel in the dark, then comfort yourself with knowing you are doing the best possible thing for yourself and your family.
The hurt won’t be there forever. Relish in it, glory in it, take some time for you (even if it’s only 5 minutes) and eventually you’ll find that you can move on.