What My Kids are Learning from Michael Jackson

Before June 25th my kids never heard of Michael Jackson. And why would they? He hasn’t put out an album in years, and he’s been mostly out of the public view for their entire lives.

They didn’t hear about his death from me. While I was aware of it from close to the moment it was confirmed publicly (since I live on the Internet, pretty much), it wasn’t something I even thought to mention to them. But they heard about it at camp and seemed to pick up on the enormous public interest and media frenzy right away. They wanted to know who he was and why he was famous.

So I pulled up Thriller on YouTube (I thought they’d be scared, but they understood it was a “movie”). They had a hard time reconciling the Michael Jackson in the Thriller video with the current version of him. Belle kept asking why he looks like a woman now. Krystal was curious about the changing color of his skin and shape of his nose.

My kids are Asian, living in a mostly Caucasian world. Even at their tender ages they’ve been targets of kids pulling their eyes into slits to make themselves look like them (News Flash: When you pull your eyes into slits you just look like you pulled your eyes into slits – you do not look Asian in the slightest. Also, you look ridiculous. And racist). Krystal in particular has said more than once that she wishes she looked like me. When she says this, she means she wishes she were not Asian. “I don’t want to be Chinese and American. I just want to be American.” This makes me sad to hear, and I hurt for her. Obviously I think she is beautiful just the way she is. I happen to think she is physically beautiful, but she is also pretty gorgeous on the inside too. But kids never want to hear that and she has dismissed my praise as “Of course you think that, you’re my mom!”

And so when they see someone like Michael Jackson deliberately changing his looks so drastically, I cringe. I cannot speak to his claim that he had a skin lightening disease. I’m not a doctor and frankly it’s not really any of my business. Regardless, his features have been radically changed through plastic surgery, and he no longer looks like the same person he was in the 80’s. I wish he had been happy with his looks. I wish that for him, since I have to think he must have had a lot of self-hatred to make the changes he did, but I also wish it selfishly, for my kids. For my kids whose looks do not fit the “norm” and who already sometimes wish they looked different. Krystal and Belle have both said about MJ that “he should just be happy with how he looks”, and I’m glad they can say that. It’s the longer term message that might seep in when no one is looking that conerns me.

Thursday Thunks

1. Do you tend to have a guilty conscious? Oh yeah. Sometimes I say my middle name should be guilt. I can manage to feel guilty even about things that can’t possibly be my fault. Like when a cop car drives down my street – are they coming for me? Even though I’ve done nothing wrong….

2. Do you still have your wisdom teeth? Nope, they came out just before I got braces. Impacted too, so I had to have actual surgery (in the hospital!) to have them out.

3. Peanut Butter – creamy or crunchy? Creamy, baby, all the way!

4. Get up off your butt. Take 5 steps. Which leg did you start out on? I just tried this 3 different times, and it was the left, two out of three. I’m guessing this is because of my military background (Left, Left, Left-Right-Left). But who knows.

5. What color is your favorite kitchen utensil? Do I have a favorite kitchen utensil? I guess it would be my chef’s knife, which has a black handle and a typically silver knife blade.

6. Did you watch the Michael Jackson memorial/funeral? No, I was working. It’s not quite that I wasn’t interested, but I have a strong aversion to feeding the media frenzy surrounding it all.

7. Do you know anyone who graduated from high school this year? No, not this year, but I do know several who will graduate next year.
Were you invited to their graduation party? Did you go? N/A

8. White with black stripes or black with white stripes? I believe a zebra is black with white stripes. But other than that I have no idea what you mean.

9. If we were to call your 6th grade teacher, what would they say about you? I’m sure most of my former teachers would describe me as your typical goody two shoes kid who was smart as a whip and that they expected I would do more with my life.

10. Can you draw a perfect circle? Perfect? No, but why would I need to?

11. What was your favorite scratch & sniff sticker scent? Gee, I must confess I have never given this a whiff of a thought.

12. What does your sibling do for a living? I have no living siblings. My sister worked at Burger King (she called it the BK Lounge) when she was in high school.

13. How many light switches and electrical outlets are in the room that you are in right now? And this is interesting why? One light switch and 6 electrical outlets. I think. I might have missed one behind a piece of furniture.

14. Do you know sign language? Only a few signs, like more, cat, socks, butterfly, thank you, you’re welcome.

15. Do you step on cracks in the sidewalk? Yes, if that’s the way my stride goes. I don’t go out of my way to step, or not step, on them.

16. And the sheets on your bed look like….? They are light blue (the ones on there now anyway), and are wrinkled. That’s all.

17. What is something that everyone else has, but you don’t? Patience. Time. Freedom.

Reading Rediscovered

In my pre-parenting days I was an avid reader. Mostly popular fiction, but I liked to think I was more literary than say,  my mother, who seems to read a lot of what I call romance novels. My favorite authors include Jodi Picoult, Wally Lamb, Pat Conroy, Elizabeth Berg, Barbara Kingsolver, John Irving, John Grisham, Nelson DeMille and many more I’m not going to hunt down right now. I visited my local library frequently, putting books on hold, picking up new ones, returning read ones, and the librarians knew me by name and sight. I didn’t have much of a social life, but I could always entertain myself.

Now that I’m a parent I read to my kids constantly, of course. As they get older we get to explore chapter books that I actually take some enjoyment from as well. We’ve read Charlotte’s Web, Black Beauty and Misty of Chincoteague, which I read as a child. But we’ve also read books written since that I’ve enjoyed as much or more than they have such as Frindle and Holes. Right now we’re reading Three Cups of Tea, based on a true story.

Since becoming a mom, my own entertainment has drifted towards television. What with investing in Tivo, and later transferrring to Comcast’s DVR service, I’ve become even more TV obsessed. Last year’s writers’ strike had me joining Netflix, and I got to see a lot of series I’d missed the first time around (Six Feet Under and Arrested Development being highlights).

When my favorite shows had their season finale’s in May, I had nothing to watch. A lot of nights I’ll put NESN on and catch the Red Sox game while I sit with my laptop on my, well, lap, but even that gets old.

Then I learned that one of my favorite authors, Elizabeth Berg, had a new book out. I requested it from the library. It came in, and I read it. A friend on Facebook posted about looking for book recommendations, and I wrote down all the books people suggested and looked them up. A lot of them sounded good to me (and some were by authors I love that since I haven’t read for pleasure in so long I hadn’t known about!). When I returned the first book I took out a few more. I am now 2/3 through The Hour I First Believed, by Wally Lamb and am really enjoying it. I missed reading. I’m glad to be doing it again.

Who knows, maybe I’ll even cancel the DVR service?

Nah, let’s not get drastic.

Real Sisters

Yesterday Belle came home from camp and announced:

“Beth [her counselor] asked if me and sissy are real sisters. I said yes, because duh, what else would we be.”

I was at once annoyed with the counselor for asking something so personal, and proud of my girl’s answer, even if she didn’t really understand the meaning behind the question.

Later, after dinner, I brought it up with both girls and asked if anyone else had ever asked if they were real sisters, and what did they think that meant. Krystal supposed it meant that they weren’t step-sisters or friends, but she clearly didn’t really have any idea*. I prodded by asking what sorts of things did sisters do? What let you know that two people were sisters?

The list we came up with was that sisters have the same parents (check), love each other sometimes (check), drive each other crazy (check and check) and are a family (check-a-rooni).

Yep, my daughters are real sisters, all right.

* I also explained what people really meant when they asked the question.

Survival Parenting

I try to be a good parent. I think we all do. I want what’s best for my kids, and that means taking care of them physically – making sure they have clean clothes and healthy food, and emotionally – encouraging them to do their best and comforting them when things don’t quite go their way.

Then there are the times when it all goes out the window, and you go into survival parenting mode. When the only parenting goal you really have is to make sure your kids stay alive. That happens when Mom gets sick. This is when I wish there was someone else to lean on.

Since Saturday afternoon when I first started feeling symptoms, I’ve been really only able to take care of myself. I spent most of Sunday in bed. It was raining and there was nothing for the kids to do. They watched TV all day. They asked for popcorn while they watched a movie, and that was their lunch. For dinner I did manage to drag myself up to make some tortellini before crashing again. Anything they wanted for a snack I said yes to.

Krystal has assigned herself as my nurse. She has been urging me to call the doctor since Sunday (I finally did on Tuesday). She made peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for Belle and herself for Monday night’s dinner as I just couldn’t do it. Tuesday morning she got up and went downstairs before coming to see me and brought me a glass of cold water and the thermometer. She said, “Which medicine do you take? I only saw the Tylenol PM, I didn’t see Tylenol AM.” And I laughed and she didn’t know why.

Krystal also made lunches for she and Belle to take to camp on Tuesday. She said she liked playing mom, but she could see how much work it was.  I whimpered during the whole 10 minute drive to camp. Everything hurt and it wasn’t getting any better.

The doctor said it’s H1N1, as I’ve already relayed, and that I should expect to be out of commission for 7-10 days. Today is Day 5, and I’m happy to say that I’m seeing light. As I told the girls this morning, I feel better, but not better. Right now my goal is to make sure the kids don’t get it. The doctor suggested wiping down all doorknobs in the house, encouraging frequent hand washing, and keeping food preparation to a minimum. When I told the girls all this Krystal groaned, “I’m tired of playing the mom! It’s too much work!” Of course, Krystal is in survival parenting mode too, since that’s pretty much all an 8 year old has up her sleeve in that department.

I think I’ll take us all out to dinner when this thing finally blows over. We’ll all be ready for it by then.

Swine Flu

Swine flu – heard of it?

I have it.

I have a post in my head about it all, but my energy level is so low this is all I can manage. The doctor says 7-10 days before I feel human again.

Hopefully be back sooner rather than later.

Fatherless Children

In my home we are all fatherless children.

My own father died on June 13, 1997, the Friday before Father’s Day. Yes, on Friday the 13th. But honestly it felt more like Thursday because we’d been with him all day and it was around 1 am that he died. That Sunday, Father’s Day, was really tough. I remember watching the teenage girl next door being picked up for the day by her playboy father and wanting to send her a message to appreciate him while she can – you never know when he might be gone.

Krystal has a birth father, of course, but we do not know who he is. She considers my ex her father, but he is not. Not legally. Since he does not live nearby he is not part of our regular life, and his contact over the past year in particular has been spotty. When he does visit he’s fully “here”, but he doesn’t call for long stretches and just when I think maybe he’s fading away, the phone will ring. Or he’ll have a birthday (2 weeks ago) and I’ll give in and let Krystal call him, which is something I do not encourage.

Belle has an unknown birth father too, but also a foster father who raised her until I adopted her at just over 2 years old. We have pictures of him and she has some memory of him, most of which are probably kept alive because of those pictures. I also have email contact with her foster family, which has petered out quite a bit after a flurry in the beginning, and some weirdness in the middle. The nugget that is relevant here is that about two years ago I got an email from the adult daughter that the father had cancer, and this past February she sent an email that he had died in January. I have not told Belle this.

At school this time of year there is always a Father’s Day project for the kids to work on. Belle’s school is very familar with our family make-up, and last year the Father’s Day gift she made was for me. She has also made things for Krystal whenever they make parent gifts – one for me, and one for her, when other kids are making one for each parent. Yesterday she came home with a wrapped gift, and since it is wrapped in tissue paper I can see through it. It is a bookmark (she told me that) with “#1 Dad” on it. I asked her who she wanted to give it to. I fully expected her to say my ex – he is visiting this weekend and Belle calls him “Daddy”, which I think she thinks is his name, even though she understands that he is not her dad. But she said she wanted to give it to Baba, and would I put it in a package and send it to China?

I said I would.

What I think I will really do is put it away.

What I don’t know what, or when, to do is tell her that Baba has died. Is this something I should have done when I learned of it? Or given the unlikelihood of seeing her foster family again is it better for her to maintain happy memories? Although I can’t imagine keeping this from her until she’s an adult, and what will happen when she finds out I’ve known for so long? I think I have my answer – I need to tell her soon.

And what I feel a teensy bit jealous about is that even though I am doing the job of mom and dad in raising my kids, someone else is getting the attention on Father’s Day. Despite the fact we are all fatherless children.

** Cue the harps and violins  – I know I am whining about nothing! Really! But I’m thinking about it so here it is.

Buy American?

Do you “Buy American”? If so, why, and if not, why not?

For my part, during most of my consumer life I’ve tended to focus on what’s cheapest, and as I’ve gotten older I skew towards the best value (which doesn’t always equal the lowest price). This certainly means that a lot of my money has gone to purchase goods that were made outside of the USA, and which were sold by the “big box” stores, or online. Volume buying means volume pricing equals lower prices for me, and I’m in favor of keeping as much money in my pocket as possible.

That said, I’ve also started to think about buying local. I have a visceral, negative reaction to the term “buy American” because to me it sounds jingoistic. But buying local feels more personal, less political. It’s about reducing your own personal footprint – when you buy goods made close to where you live you reduce the costs to bring it to you, which can be considerable. It’s also about supporting the businesses of your neighbor, which feels like the right thing to do. This time of year, with plentiful fruits and vegetables in season, this is easier to do with food. For consumer goods I still prefer to spend as little as possible, but I am willing to spend a little more to buy from a locally owned store versus a national chain. Sometimes.

I will admit that I like walking into a store and being free to browse without someone asking me immediately whether I need help. Smaller stores tend to have someone ready, willing and able to help you right away. This can be good if you’re looking for something specific, or have a lot of questions. But when you just kind of want to look around, see what’s there, maybe compare prices, read labels and mull over your decision, having a sales person hovering makes me want to flee without spending a dime. Ideally of course they would be able to read my mind when I walk in and stay in the shadows until I’ve narrowed my choice and need to ask a question before making my final decision. Alas, they’ve yet to implant those mind reading chips in store owners and their employees.

Suffice to say, I’m more aware. Awareness is the first step in action. I won’t promise to buy local all the time, but I will include it in my considerations.

Kick Start

I’ve been very neglectful of this blog of late, and it’s because I can’t quite think of things to write about. So, in order to try kick starting the creative juices, I am giving the Thursday Thunks meme a try today.

1. What is your least favorite candy bar? Hmm, it’s hard for me to think of a candy bar I don’t like. Anything malted. Do they make malted candy bars? Well, if they do, that’s my least favorite.
2. If I were to call you, what would you say? Hello? Really, that’s pretty much how I answer every call.
3. What is your favorite type of leaf? Leaf? Favorite leaf? I don’t know, birch came to mind first, but I don’t know why. Maybe because it’s a little different?
4. When was the last time you….
- had sex? I decline to answer on the grounds that it will make me seem even more pathetic than you probably already think.
- swam in a lake? About 9 years ago – the guy I was dating at the time had a family place on a lake and we were there all the time. Pools and the ocean since then, though I’m more of a dipper than a swimmer. And a kid island.
- went barefoot outside? Last week. On the deck though, not on the grass.
- ate peas? Just plain peas? No idea. Sugar snap peas I eat all the time. As in yesterday even.
5. Since Father’s Day is right around the corner, tell us about the person that you are celebrating. My own father passed away almost exactly 12 years ago. We may do something symbolic for my girls’ birth fathers, who are unknown to us.
6. Were you dropped on your head as a child? Not that I know of! But I did get locked in an abandoned refrigerator in our basement. That probably explains a lot.
7. How often do you clean your toilet? Yikes. Whenever it seems like it needs it? Which probably works out to every couple of weeks.
8. Have you ever been sunburned? Tell us about it. I have, and it’s not fun. When I was a kid there was no such thing as sunscreen, or at least no one used it. We were all trying to get color. I would actually try to get a mild burn, because I knew it would fade to a tan. Oh, the damage.
9. On average, how many hours a sleep do you get a night? Usually around 7-8. Which doesn’t sound bad, does it? Thing is, I’m one of those people who truly need more like 9-10. And my 7-8 hours are never uninterrupted. These days it’s the dog around midnight and again around 4 am, but it could be a kid (Belle usually) as well. Oh well, we all take what we can get, don’t we. I could get more sleep if I were willing to give up some (awake) alone time. But I’m not.
10 How many hours did you get last night? Last night it was only about 6. Stayed up way too late.
11. Take a picture of something. Post it. This is a dozen eggs my friend gave me. Her own chickens laid them. They are all a different shade of white, cream, tan, ecru, you-name-it, and all a little different size. We had them for dinner tonight. Fresh eggs are yummy!

12. Are the bottom of your feet dirty? Ewww! No!
13. Do you know the names of every member of the family who lives next door to you? Nope. Isn’t that awful? But I do know the names of everyone in the two houses directly across the street. Do I at least get some points for that?

If you read this far, please let me know! Thank for stopping by!

Mocking Me…

I feel like my blog is mocking me.

It’s saying, “Ha ha, here I am and you have nothing to say and you can’t do anything about it!”

Ouch.

I have a lot to say.

I have nothing to say.

I’m not sure which of those is true….can it be both?

Yesterday we celebrated 3 years as a family of three – it was the third anniversary of meeting Belle in China. Krystal made her a very cute card, saying she was glad she was a member of our family, which is contrary to what she so often actually says out loud. Belle, for her part, was as excited as if it were her birthday all day.

I just cancelled the latest appointment with our counselor that I have decided I not only have no connection to, but I’m not sure I even like. I don’t think she’s doing anything special, certainly nothing different, or more, or better than I’ve read in every parenting book or article I’ve ever picked up. Not worth our time. I may try to find someone else. I may not.

Today after school Krystal went to a friend’s house for the afternoon and had dinner there. She came home complaining that she is embarrassed that she likes the TV shows “Arthur” and “Cyberchase” while her friends all watch “iCarly” and “Hannah Montana”, which I don’t allow. My rule is, the characters in the show have to be my kids’ age or younger (with some exceptions). I suggested she tell her friends her mom won’t let her watch them, and she said they then exclaim what a mean mom she has. Oh well.

We saw the new Disney/Pixar movie “Up” last weekend. I have to put it in my own personal Top 5 movies of all time. It was that good. See it. I don’t care if you have kids, or don’t have kids, or your kids are grown. It is a must-see.

And that concludes my randomness for now. My blog may go back to mocking me now. Unless I come back soon with more. We shall see!